WILDCAT:
A man distraught over his lost kitty proved to be an unreliable source of information, making it unclear whether the lost cat incident—which he insisted was a result of thieves shanghaiing the pet—ever happened at all. He called deputies to report that the black tomcat was loose and stolen by his Carpinteria Avenue neighbors, but while investigating the neighbors on Dec. 12, deputies learned that the man was seeing things and arrested him for suspicion of being under the influence of meth.

Described as frantic and having twitching cheeks and full-moon pupils, the man, 23, told deputies that the cat went missing the previous evening. Following the vanishing of the cat, the man searched all night, he said, before calling deputies to report that neighbors were responsible for stealing his pet.

On scene, deputies observed one of the implicated neighbors as she walked from a motel room to the front desk. The officers went to the room she had emerged from and spoke to a man from the doorway. During the exchange, deputies scanned the room and observed no signs or sounds of a cat. The accused man was reportedly hostile toward deputies. He had already been confronted by the neighbor and was sick of being called a cat thief.

When deputies left the cat man to investigate, they had given him a simple instruction to stay put, but deputies noted he seemed unable to control himself and continued pacing around the parking lot. The woman who had walked to the desk returned to her room with food items in her hands, observed deputies. The officers told the man their doubts about the neighbors having the cat, which pushed the cat man to tears. He insisted that he had just then witnessed the woman stuffing his cat into her vehicle. He could hear the smuggled cat screeching from within the vehicle, he said, but deputies tried to explain that nothing of the sort had happened.

The deputies then arrested the man for suspicion of being under the influence of a controlled substance. Even though his heart rate clocked at 120 beats per minute, the man said he was drug free. It was only in his past that he had had a taste for substances like heroin, he stated. A search of the man produced a paper bundle with a white residue on it, and his urine tested presumptive positive for meth.

DEPUTY FISHES FOR DRUGGIES:
A deputy who reported he is well aware of drug users frequenting the streets surrounding Malibu Drive and Sterling Avenue nabbed a man for running a stop sign on his bicycle at the intersection of the streets, only to discover that the man, 21, was likely hopped up on meth again. The incident began with the traffic violation stop on Dec. 7 at about 11:19 a.m. but escalated quickly when the suspected stop-sign roller reportedly became hostile and accused the deputy of unjustly sequestering him on his bike ride.

According to the deputy’s report, the man, who had fluttering eyelids, refused to sit on the curb when ordered to do so. Instead, he stepped up on the sidewalk, taking a position of higher ground than the deputy, an authority-undermining move. The deputy noted that the man had been arrested on suspicion of being under the influence of a controlled substance earlier this year, and apparently the man had already lawyered up, because he reached into his pocket and whipped out a cell phone, telling the deputy that he was calling his lawyer for help. Using the phone instead of cooperating rubbed the officer the wrong way. The man could have been phoning friends to help him make a getaway, surmised the officer, who radioed for his own backup. The deputy, not waiting to see what was coming out the man’s pocket next or who might arrive, took the man to the ground and cuffed him.

After the backup arrived, the officers took the man to jail. He complained of stinging shoulder pain resulting from the officer’s takedown. And although the man claimed that he’d been off meth since the week prior, a urine analysis came up presumptive positive for meth in his system.

Deputies brought the man for booking at the Santa Barbara County Jail for suspicion of being under the influence of a controlled substance, but first stopped at Cottage Hospital to check the shoulder injury. The man reportedly said it was a flare up from an injury previously sustained in the mixed-martial arts ring and refused medical treatment.

OTHER REPORTS:
Burglary: Namouna Street, Foothill Road, Linden Avenue
Public intoxication: Via Real
Theft: Linden Avenue (2)
Vandalism: 6th Street, Linden Avenue, Carpinteria Avenue
Warrant arrest: Carpinteria Avenue

FREEDOM AIN’T FREE:
A 48-year-old transient man with a history of drinking in public attempted to argue that laws barring open containers in public didn’t apply to him, but a hard-headed deputy ended up bringing the man to jail anyway on Carpinteria Avenue on Nov. 18.

The deputy first spotted the man tipping back a 32-ounce Icehouse beer out in the open beside a Carpinteria Avenue liquor store. Less vigilant, the alleged beer drinker did not notice the deputy until the officer was just steps away, when the beer drinker reportedly uttered, “Oh no!” at the sudden buzz kill. The officer wanted to confiscate the beverage, but the suspect thought it would be a waste and said, “I’m just getting started.” The man reportedly admitted that he knew he was breaking the law but still attempted to bargain for a “two-minute sip” before releasing the beverage to the officer. Noting signs of intoxication, the deputy told the man he had already had too much to drink and advised him that he would be arrested if seen drinking again that day.

After running the man’s name through the system, the deputy learned that the man had already been cited 13 times for drinking in public this year. When the deputy whipped out his citation book to complete ticket number 14, the man said the exercise was a waste of time and paper. “Do you know what the DA is gonna do with the ticket? Nothing,” he said. The deputy poured out the beverage and issued the ticket.

Moments later, the deputy entered the store to alert the clerk of the ongoing problem of customers unlawfully drinking near the property. However, inside the store, the deputy witnessed a whole new problem. The cited drinker had already entered the store, and the clerk was yelling to him, “Hey, you can’t do that.” He was next to the beer cooler, downing a beer. The deputy arrested the man for public intoxication.

A DULL CURVY KNIFE
Deputies received a call about two roommates in a knife fight but upon investigation found that either the men had no knives, or both had one, or one had a spoon. The incident was reported from a Via Real mobile home just before midnight on Dec. 4. When deputies arrived, they separated the two men on the scene and handcuffed them due to suspicion that they had knives. Officers noted that they both seemed drunk.

The one who had called law enforcement, a 49-year-old man, soon backtracked on his knife accusation. He reportedly told one officer that he’d lied about his roommate brandishing a knife because he wanted him out of the house. Later, he modified that statement by saying the roommate had a silver spoon in his hand, which he mistook for a knife. In any case, he claimed to have been popped in the mouth by the roommate’s fist. He had a fat lip to prove it.

The other roommate told a different story. He said they had been drinking and gotten into a fight. He didn’t remember punching anyone, but they both had knives, he said, but nothing happened. He was released back into the home and told to stay there until he sobered up.

Deputies brought the man with the fluctuating story to jail on charges of obstructing and delaying an investigation.

OTHER REPORTS:
Burglary: Shepard Mesa Drive
Missing person: Via Real
Theft: Bailard Avenue, Camino Trillado, Cameo Road
Warrant arrest: Carpinteria Avenue (2), Via Real

DEAD CAT TIT FOR TAT:
Deputies were needed to keep the peace in a civil dispute when one woman held another woman’s clothing hostage as punishment for the alleged murder of her cat. The morbid incident began on Nov. 22 when the victim, a 61-year-old cat owner, accused her cat-sitter and ex-friend, 49, of breaking her cat’s neck.

The cat-sitter had been staying at the 9th Street residence of the cat owner and was trusted to baby sit the cat for the day. However, when the cat owner returned home, the pet was nowhere to be found. The sitter, who had already left, received a call from the concerned owner who asked where the cat was. The sitter hadn’t a clue, and reportedly admitted that her cat sitting methods were substandard. The sitter lost track of the cat, according to the owner, after grabbing it by the scruff of the neck to toss it outside.

Further investigation by the owner revealed the dead cat under a backyard shed. An inspection of the body led the owner to believe a broken neck was the cause of death, and she suspected the cat-sitter was responsible for the fatal injury. However, when reached again, the cat-sitter denied snapping the cat’s neck. The owner warned that she planned on preserving the body in a refrigerator to have an autopsy performed. The anguished owner also called sheriff’s deputies to report her suspicions that the cat-sitter was guilty of animal cruelty. She said the alleged cat killer used to be her friend and had spent a week at her house to discuss a potential business venture.

Deputies received another call four days later, this time from the cat-sitter. She said her former host refused to let her retrieve her clothing. She needed deputies to keep the peace while she attempted to collect her belongings.

At the residence, deputies learned that the former host considered the clothing collateral for a debt she believed she was owed. The cat-sitter had lodged at her house for a week and never paid for the rent or bills she reportedly had agreed to pay. Also, she figured since her former guest killed her cat, she could keep the clothes. Eventually she relented and returned the clothing but wanted to make sure deputies documented the incident.

In his documentation of the incident, the deputy observed that a dog appearing to be part Rottweiler freely roamed into the backyard of the residence. He believed the dog could be a suspect in the dead cat case. No arrests were made in the ongoing investigation of the cat, and the deputy referred the distressed woman to civil court for the matter of unpaid rent and bills.

RIGHT BEFORE HIS VERY EYES:
A man with lackadaisical recordkeeping skills had the van he reportedly had just purchased swiped while it was within sight on Nov. 26 on Nipomo Drive. The man parked the van at the end of his friend’s driveway and left the keys in the ignition. While he was in the process of fixing the friend’s vehicle, he reportedly witnessed a man and woman, estimated to be in their 30s, climb into the vehicle and drive away. The man called sheriff’s deputies to report the noontime vehicle heist, but his inability to provide key details about the van made it more difficult to locate. The bill of sale and other records were in the missing vehicle, he explained. He also could not name the former owner. Later in the day, the man provided a license plate number, and when deputies asked if the person linked to the license plate number was who had sold him the van, the victim could not say. He also could not verify the location of the previous owner. Deputies had no leads in the theft.

HARMONICAS NOT A HOT ITEM
Proving a link between auto break-ins and providing a glimpse into the profile of the harmonica-averse culprits, officers investigating one Via Real car break-in found harmonicas from another Via Real car break-in that they’d already investigated. Both crimes were reported on Nov. 25 and were among a rash of recent auto burglaries from unlocked vehicles. The thieves allegedly stole two harmonicas and a Leatherman combo tool from one vehicle but deposited the harmonicas in another vehicle. From the second victim, they stole a Dewalt drill and left the victim curious about the appearance of new harmonicas. Overall, six unlocked vehicles were burglarized between Nov. 19 and Nov. 25, and stolen goods included a cell phone, 500 CDs and over $400 in Christmas gifts.

OTHER REPORTS:
Motor vehicle theft: Hickory Street
Theft: Bailard Avenue, Cameo Road, La Brea Lane, 9th Street, (2) Casitas Pass Road, Ash Avenue, Myra Street
Vandalism: 3rd Street
Warrant arrest: Carpinteria Avenue

DRUNK-O-GRAM:
A man who said he was trying to deliver a dinner invitation in person was considered a nuisance by the invitees and eventually was arrested for alleged public intoxication at around 6 p.m. on Nov. 13.

Deputies reported to Carpinteria Avenue after receiving a call about a subject refusing to leave a residence. On the sidewalk outside the residence, deputies observed a man, 35, who fit the description of the unwanted visitor. He said he was simply knocking at a family member’s door with the intention to invite her over for a Sunday dinner.

A strong odor of alcohol tarnished the man’s ability to get his point across, along with incoherence, according to a deputy report. For his part, the man was reportedly up front about having imbibed alcoholic beverages, but said it was fine because he lived across the street. The man’s ability to communicate details about his visitation to a family member left deputies wanting a more vivid picture of what had happened.

Following up with the dinner invitee, deputies learned that the alleged drunk-o-gram included yelling obscenities and pounding at the door. Because of poor execution of invitation and for suspicion of public intoxication, deputies brought the man to jail.

UNREGISTERED AMBULANCE"
A man claiming to be transporting his wife to the hospital for emergency treatment of Crohn’s disease on Nov. 12 was sidetracked and arrested for false registration tags, among other issues with his driving privilege. A deputy first cast a suspicious eye on the vehicle when noting that its large tires protruded past the wheel wells but no mud flaps were present to protect fellow drivers from flying debris, a violation of vehicular law. After pulling the vehicle over at about 11:15 p.m. on Casitas Pass Road, the deputy inspected the vehicle and its driver more closely to uncover the various code violations.

First, the registration sticker was coming unstuck at the corners. The deputy took this as evidence of possible false tags that had lost their glue when being plucked from their rightful vehicle. The driver, 35, then explained that he had an out of state license and provided only a piece of paper from the DMV. Since the man also explained that his wife was in urgent need of medical care, the officer offered to call an ambulance, but the couple said that would not be necessary.

A review of the man’s electronic record showed that he had a warrant for his arrest for missing a court date regarding a prior citation for false registration tags. Also, records verified the deputy’s hunch that stickers on the current vehicle were not supposed to be there. The man said he was aware of the failure to appear warrant but also said he had no idea how the false tags came to be affixed to the vehicle he was driving, which had been purchased by his brother, he said. The man also lacked a driver’s license.

Paramedics arrived while the driver was being arrested for the violations, but the ill wife refused a ride to the hospital. Deputies transported the husband to jail and the wife back to her motel room, and the vehicle was impounded.

OTHER REPORTS:
Driving under the influence: Foothill Road
Identity theft: Carpinteria Avenue
Public intoxication: Via Real
Theft: Mark Avenue
Vandalism: Camino Trillado, Tomol Drive
Warrant arrest: Aragon Drive, Linden Avenue

FARE-Y TALE COMPLETE WITH HAPPY ENDING:
The three-week journey of a cab driver trying to collect a $97 fare ended with money changing hands, but not until deputies acted as debt collectors. The cabbie, satisfied by the payment, opted to drive off into the sunset without pressing charges against the troubled fare skipper.

Deputies first were informed of the alleged crime on Oct. 11 when the driver was left sitting outside an apartment at the corner of Aragon Drive and Dahlia Court at around 4:30 a.m. The driver said she’d received a call from a man who needed a ride from Oxnard to Carpinteria to see his girlfriend and that the arrangement was that the girlfriend would pay upon delivery of the boyfriend. When the cab pulled up on Aragon delivering the man, 20, he told the driver to wait so he could run in, grab the $97 and return. He never came back.

The man’s allegedly brazen plan to get a free ride, however, was shortsighted and overlooked pesky things like caller ID. A woman’s phone number was captured by the cabbie’s phone, and deputies used it to track down the reported girlfriend. However, she claimed the guy had no relationship to her and that she could not be held responsible for his cab fare. She did know enough about the guy to hand over his contact information to deputies.

A little detective work showed that the man was already sitting behind bars at Santa Barbara County Jail after being arrested on an outstanding warrant. Deputies visited the suspected fare thief in jail, and he reportedly admitted to the story told by the driver. Contrite, he said that once he left jail and had better prospects of getting his hands on some money, he’d make good on the debt. On Oct. 29, he did, and the case was closed after the cabbie dropped the charges.

BUDDHA VANISHES:
A woman reported that a valuable Buddha statue went missing from her Via Real yard. She purchased the 40-pound and 24-inch tall statue for $3,200 20 years ago, but on the morning of Oct. 29 when she was sitting in her garden she noticed the friendly figure was gone, leaving behind an empty cement pedestal. The woman said she was awakened earlier at 2 a.m. by motion detecting lights turning on, but the light and rustling she heard only momentarily kept her awake before she shrugged off the disturbance. The high value of the dark brown clay Buddha puts the alleged crime at the upper level of grand theft as opposed to larceny.

HANGOVER DUI:
A man accused of driving under the influence on Linden Avenue on Oct. 27 said he had not consumed beer immediately before his 9:45 a.m. traffic stop, but he admitted to slugging two or three down the night before. Deputies first encountered the man, 48, as he was cruising up Linden Avenue near Malibu Drive while talking on his cell phone. When they pulled the man over, he reportedly pulled into a parking lot and slowly collided with the cement block marking a parking stall. The man explained that it was a work call he was on, and he was in transit to pick up some documents for his job. Deputies smelled alcohol and asked the man to perform field sobriety tests. Eventually the breath test was administered and showed the man had a lingering .18 percent blood alcohol content. He was arrested for driving under the influence.

OTHER REPORTS:
Vandalism: Chapparal Drive, Gray Street
Warrant arrest: Carpinteria Avenue

BUBBLES AREN’T BOGUS:
A man who drew attention from law enforcement for scaring customers outside a Via Real gas station early in the morning on Oct. 26 was later arrested for possessing a substance he called “Bubbles” but deputies called cocaine. He also possessed a sex toy, which was neither illegal nor linked to his scariness.

Deputies arrived to investigate a call about a scary man and found him walking up the sidewalk. When the man, 50, saw law officers, he reportedly turned and walked away while trying to keep his hands and the paper bag in them hidden. Deputies ordered him to stop, but he kept going. Then the man suddenly spun toward deputies, yelled “Oh no!” and heaved a glass object toward Highway 101.

Responding to the erratic move and shattering glass, one deputy drew his taser and the other his pistol. The man then decided to comply with orders. Asked what he chucked into the air, the man reportedly said, “Just some (stuff).” And explaining why he walked away from officers, he reportedly said, “I knew you was comin’.” Confiscating the paper bag for a look inside, a deputy discovered a flesh-colored, rubber penis and a bottle of lubricant.

The man alerted deputies to his parolee status, so deputies searched the man and his motel room. They found a powdery substance that resembled cocaine, but the man explained that it was just Bubbles, what he referred to as “fake (stuff)” that he purchased at a store on State Street in Santa Barbara for $10. He admitted however that under chemical analysis Bubbles would likely test positively for containing cocaine. The man said the drug was not a big deal since its effects lasted just 15 minutes.

Deputies verified with their testing kit that the substance was a chemical match for cocaine. They brought the scary man to jail for possession, resisting arrest and violating parole. His sex toy was inventoried.

RED ZONE:
An illegally parked vehicle that was both in the red zone and in the way of an entrance to a motel on Via Real attracted an officer’s attention before the vehicle’s owner raised more suspicions with her tense, hyperactive behavior.

The incident began when a deputy was patrolling the area on Via Real at around 6:30 p.m. on Oct. 26. Noting that the vehicle was both in the red zone and partially blocking an entrance, the deputy ran the plates and inquired about the registered owner at the motel’s desk. Given a room number matching the registered owner, a 51-year-old woman, the deputy hunted her down.

She was in the room with her husband, 38, and they explained a flat tire caused them to stop short of parking in a designated space. They promptly fixed the parking issue by properly parking the car, but the woman’s refusal to make eye contact with the officer and her excessive fidgeting and pinhole pupils led deputies to believe she was on stimulants.

She reportedly admitted to smoking meth the previous day. Deputies discovered she was on probation for drug use, and the woman said stresses in her life had led her to relapse. She used just enough to keep her going, she said. Deputies brought her to jail for suspicion of being under the influence of meth.

BEER O’CLOCK:
A man accused of driving under the influence of alcohol was reportedly trying to beat the 2 a.m. cutoff for buying more beer on Oct. 28. A deputy at a Via Real convenience store noticed the man’s cockeyed SUV at the store and investigated the situation.

Noting that the vehicle was several feet from the curb, occupying more than one parking spot and with its driver’s door hanging open, the deputy suspected the driver was impaired. Inside the vehicle was a passenger who said the driver was inside the store, and the deputy noticed the driver looking out at him.

When the alleged driver, 36, emerged from the store, the deputy noted that the man had red, droopy eyelids and was unsteady on his feet. The deputy asked the man why he parked so untidily, and the man reportedly dodged the question by stating he was going home. Pressed for more answers, the man reportedly admitted to consuming beer at his home and driving to the store to get more.

The deputy asked the store clerk if he’d witnessed who had been behind the wheel, and the clerk said he had not see who had driven. He said one man had come in for beer, but he had not sold to him, so the next man had come in.

Deputies administered a breath test on the alleged driver, which reportedly read .22, so the man was arrested for suspicion of driving under the influence.

OTHER REPORTS:
Burglary: Via Real, Palmetto Way
Theft: Camino Trillado, Sandyland Road
Weapons violation: Via Real

CATALYTIC CONVERTER THIEVES TARGET TOYOTAS:
Over the last month, four victims have had their catalytic converters stolen from under their vehicles and were left with just the nuts and bolts that were previously used to fasten the exhaust system part in place. The crimes occurred all over the city and in each case thieves struck Toyota trucks—4-Runners, Tacomas or Tundras—because the parts are easy to remove on those models. Catalytic converters contain the valuable precious metals platinum, palladium and rhodium.

On Oct. 4 on the 4600 block of Carpinteria Avenue a woman started her car and was alarmed by the roar it emitted. She found bolts and loose parts on the ground under her Toyota 4-Runner and the catalytic converter was missing.

A man on La Pala Lane also reported a theft on Oct. 4. It occurred after he’d last parked his Toyota Tacoma on the street on Oct. 1. He said a suspicious white work truck containing scrap metal had been on the street a couple of days prior, and the truck’s occupants had asked the victim’s neighbor if he had any spare metal.

A woman on La Jolla Place reported on Oct. 18 that sometime over the previous two weeks somebody had stolen the catalytic converter from her inoperable Toyota Tundra in her driveway. She had pushed the truck up the driveway earlier in the month and when a mechanic came to work on the truck, he informed the woman that it was missing the catalytic converter.

And on Oct. 21 on Eleanor Drive a woman reported that the catalytic converter was missing from her Toyota 4-Runner. She was not positive when the crime occurred since she rarely drove the vehicle, which had been parked in the street, infrequently. She inspected the vehicle to specifically check it for catalytic converter theft since her friend had been a victim of the same crime.

The latest wave of catalytic converter thefts follows a previous rash of the crimes in 2008. Toyota owners can have their catalytic converters welded into place to make them less vulnerable to theft.

A FEW PLANTS SHORT OF A GARDEN:
A nursery manager on Casitas Pass Road reported that a shipment of plants that had been set out for pick up was partially missing on Oct. 22. Staff had set aside dozens of plants before closing for the weekend in anticipation of them being picked up, but when the customer arrived to retrieve the order, 22 electric pink cordyline plants valued at $583 were missing. Deputies noted that the unsecured nursery lot could be accessed by anyone. The manager told deputies it was the second time in a matter of weeks that thieves had made away with plants. No suspects had been identified.

OTHER REPORTS
Burglary: Foothill Road
Identity theft: Carpinteria Avenue
Public intoxication: Azalea Drive

FAIR WARNING:
A man once accused of driving without a license by officers denied being behind the wheel only to allegedly climb into the driver’s seat two minutes later with an officer watching.

According to deputy reports, the officer observed a familiar man, 54, walk from a parking lot to a liquor store on Linden Avenue at about 10:50 a.m. on Oct. 13. Armed with prior knowledge that the man had a history of traffic violations and a restricted license, the deputy approached the man to investigate. The man, who reportedly stank of alcohol, denied that he had driven to the parking lot where the officer saw him walking. He walked there from home, he said, and planned on hopping a train to Oxnard to visit his parents.

The officer relented and parked around the corner where he could continue to observe the parking lot. About two minutes later, a car emerged resembling the man’s car. The deputy followed and pulled it over for suspicion of DUI and operating on a suspended license.

The man reportedly stepped out of his vehicle and approached the officer aggressively and interrupted the officer’s orders. He still smelled of alcohol. However, he explained that he had not consumed any alcohol. Officers could be smelling a hint of his “swish” solution, which consisted of isopropyl alcohol and hydrogen peroxide and was used to treat his tumor, he said. Also, his trip to his parents’ house was for work purposes he claimed. The officer reminded him of the prior contradictory statement he had made about visiting his parents.

When it came time for field sobriety tests, the man had issues. He had trouble walking a straight line with an audience. The officers’ presence was so nerve wracking that it caused him to “quake,” he said. The debilitating anxiety reportedly ground roadside examination to a halt, but officers proceeded with the DUI arrest and brought the man to the hospital for an evidentiary blood draw before transporting him to jail and having his vehicle towed.

PICKLED TINK:
A woman who allegedly zigzagged down the freeway terrified a fellow driver on the afternoon of Oct. 9, leading the driver to call sheriff’s deputies and follow the woman home in order to give deputies her location for a driving under the influence investigation.

When deputies arrived, the woman, 32, reportedly was rolling backward in reverse, readying to continue operating her vehicle, but stopped upon noticing the officer approaching on foot. She faintly spoke, “Hi,” before muttering something unintelligibly. Officers noted an overwhelming scent of alcohol and two bottles on the floor of the car.

The woman reportedly needed a spotter when performing field sobriety tests since officers feared she’d tumble to the ground. A breath test showed her alcohol-to-blood ratio had exceeded four times the legal limit at .35 percent.

OTHER REPORTS:
Public intoxication: Carpinteria Avenue
Vandalism: Nantucket Court

SIGN OF THE TIMES:
With gas prices in the stratosphere, thieves are apparently looking for opportunities to score some liquid gold. A woman woke up to discover that her vehicle’s fuel had been siphoned sometime overnight between Oct. 7 and 8 on 8th Street. Upon unsuccessfully trying to start her vehicle, she noticed the gas gauge was on empty. Thinking she’d fix the issue, she refueled but noticed the added gas leaking straight onto the ground. Further inspection revealed the gas line was sliced and a rubber hose had been inserted to siphon the gas, according to the deputy report. Deputies had no leads in the vandalism and theft case.

A LITTLE SALSA ON THAT SALSA:
A man accused of tampering with condiments at a California Avocado Festival sandwich stand was found to have a giant bag of red salsa in his possession, along with a small bindle of cocaine. The man, 49 of Montecito, told deputies on Oct. 6 at about 2 p.m. that he only wanted to enhance the salsa supplied to top tri tip sandwiches, not to poison anyone.

According to a deputy report, volunteers at the booth observed the man purchase a sandwich and meander to the salsa station. He then made the odd move of whipping out a large bag containing a red liquid. Even odder, he then allegedly poured a “good amount” of the red stuff into the booth’s salsa container, but reportedly used none of his additive on his own sandwich. When confronted by a witness, the man tried to walk away. However, a volunteer at the booth was able to pull the alleged salsa adulterator aside, and festival security detained him.

The suspect explained that he had harvested some habañero peppers and concocted a tasty, homemade salsa just that morning. He wanted to share.

Deputies then entered the fray to question the man about the salsa switcheroo. They noted he appeared nervous and desperately explained that he was not trying to hurt anyone. Deputies confiscated the salsa sack for evidence and noted that at least one customer had consumed the tainted batch.

Then the man landed himself in more hot water by allegedly trying to ditch his cocaine beneath some flowers. When receiving his identification card back from a deputy, the man allegedly slipped it into his pocket but simultaneously removed a paper bindle. He then motioned behind him and attempted to conceal it in a planter. Watchful deputies detected the move and recovered the bindle, which contained a powdery, cocaine-looking substance.

The man reportedly admitted that he had purchased the cocaine for $60 but had yet to use it that morning. Upon being arrested for possession of cocaine, the man talked more about his salsa doctoring. He said his fresh habañeros were spicy and that nobody had given him permission to enhance the sandwich toppings.

Deputies noted that the customer who consumed the tainted salsa complained of discomfort in his stomach and mouth but was unavailable for further investigation at the time of the report. Deputies kept the salsa sack and had planned on interviewing the known consumer of the salsa. The district attorney’s office was alerted that deputies might ask for charges of adulterating food with a harmful substance.

OTHER REPORTS:
Burglary: Casitas Pas Road, Padaro Lane
Theft: 4th Street, Carpinteria Avenue

MOBILE MARIJUANA MART:
A man busted for allegedly possessing and selling two pounds of marijuana from his vehicle told deputies on Sept. 27 that his marijuana delivery service was no different than legal storefront dispensaries in California; he only lacked a street address.

Deputies encountered the Santa Barbara man, 24, when he and a client were allegedly medicating themselves inside his vehicle on 8th Street at about 9:30 p.m. Thinking it suspicious that two men were smoking an unknown substance in a parked car, deputies approached the vehicle and reportedly detected an unmistakable and overpowering scent of marijuana emanating from a rolled down window. Also, visible on the backseat floorboard was a mason jar containing green buds.

Probable cause abounding, deputies took inventory of the vehicle’s contents and uncovered a plethora of marijuana strands all packaged in eighth- and quarter-ounce sacks and Dixie cups. Labels on the product read: “Fine Bubba,” “Bubba Berry,” “Bubba Gum,” “Jack Herrera,” “Bubba Gum Kush,” “Sereng Tangerine,” “XJ 13” and “Grape Ape.” In all, deputies found 73 baggies and 13 dixie cups containing marijuana. Also, the driver had $1,835 cash in his pocket.

In equating his service to that of medical marijuana dispensaries, the alleged dealer provided details of the house-call operation. As a delivery person, his shifts are Wednesday through Friday from 10 a.m. until 7 p.m., and he is paid $15 per hour plus gas. Before going on duty on Wednesdays, he stocks up with an unknown quantity of marijuana, pre-labeled, and whenever he receives a text message from the “receptionist,” he delivers the specified quantity and strand of marijuana to an address. The patient receiving “Fine Bubba,” for instance, would then make a “donation” calculated based on quantity and strand. On Fridays, he reports back to headquarters to handover the remaining product and cash.

Although the man possessed a valid doctor’s recommendation to use marijuana, the quantity of the drug in the car—plus the cash—led deputies to suspect illegal activity was taking place. The man, who refused to disclose where headquarters were or to whom he reported, was arrested for sales and/or manufacturing of marijuana.

IRRECONCILABLE AUTO PRIVILEGES:
A husband who refused to let his wife drive for a drug run called the sheriff’s department to report his vehicle stolen when she took the car without his permission. In reporting the incident on Sept. 26 at about 6 a.m., the man said he feared his unlicensed wife, 37, was too high on meth and prescription medications to operate a vehicle and that he wanted the vehicle reported stolen.

The man told deputies that at about 5:30 a.m. the wife demanded cash to purchase hair care products at CVS in Oxnard. The husband refused and after a few moments, he heard his vehicle driving down the road, so he called for law enforcement. He was confused as to how the wife even accessed the keys, because he had them locked away in a safe, he said. He also asked that deputies turn her in for treatment in a mental health facility rather than bring her to jail.

After reporting the alleged crime to deputies, the man heard from his wife at about 8 a.m. Not to worry, she said, she’d be home in 20 minutes. The man promptly told deputies that he was expecting her to return. However, she dialed back and said she had a hunch that it was a trap. To ease his wife’s accurate suspicions, the man offered to pick her up somewhere else. So she told him to get her on Via Real near Cravens Lane.

Deputies patrolled the area but didn’t locate the car or woman. The woman, however, saw the deputies and dialed the husband again. She warned that if deputies came after her, she’d lead them on a high-speed chase. Again soothing her, the husband coaxed the woman into telling him where she was. Deputies located her standing outside her vehicle in a store parking lot and apprehended her.

At the station, the woman reportedly was out of sorts and admitted to being on “so many medications.” She estimated that it had been about an hour since she absconded in her husband’s vehicle when in fact it had been 4 ½ hours. She said that her husband refused her money and the car because he thought she was hankering for meth. Also, she claimed that deputies had no grounds for arresting her on vehicle code violations since they never saw her driving, even though she had previously admitted to driving.

The woman was arrested for vehicle theft, operating on meth and operating without a license.

OTHER REPORTS:
Burglary: Casitas Pass Road
Disturbing the peace: Via Real
Public intoxication: Carpinteria Avenue
Suspicious circumstance: Carpinteria Avenue
Theft: Limu Drive, Aragon Drive, Cindy Lane, Jacaranda Way
Under the influence of a controlled substance: El Carro Lane
Vandalism: Manzanita Street
Vehicle theft: Catlin Circle

CASINO COACH:
A man who was passing through Carpinteria on his way from Ventura to the Chumash Casino reportedly rolled the dice before hitting the casino tables simply by getting behind the wheel. The driver, 28, and two passengers, both 44, allegedly possessed the fixings to alter their senses into oblivion, so officers may have been doing the men a favor by towing away their vehicle before they drove on to the casino to gamble while drunk, high and tweaking.

The incident began when an officer pulled over the vehicle for a missing license plate light at about 11:40 p.m. on Sept. 24 at Sawyer and Linden avenues. The passengers did not see fit, however, to conceal their opened 24-ounce beer cans when the officer approached the vehicle. The deputy found the beers cold to the touch and likely in the process of behind consumed.

The driver lacked paperwork and reportedly admitted to driving his wife’s vehicle without a license.

A search of the vehicle uncovered several other illegal items. Officers found a used meth pipe, a used marijuana pipe, less than an ounce of marijuana, a large dagger and brass knuckles. Nobody in the vehicle admitted ownership of any of the illicit items.

When divvying out blame, the deputy employed the rule of proximity. The driver was charged for the marijuana, knife and knuckles. The front passenger was cited for the meth pipe and his beer, and the other passenger was cited for his beer. Both passengers were left at the roadside, and the driver was brought to jail for alleged drug possession, weapons and driving without a license.

SNITCH AND SWITCH:
A woman reporting a vandalism committed on her husband’s vehicle on Sept. 21 offered up the information on a suspect she had in mind, but then stated she only wanted the alleged crime documented for what was likely to be an escalating matter in civil court. A mechanic discovered the vehicle’s gas tank had been tainted with sugar and three of the four tires had been deflated.

In reporting the vandalism, the woman said she thought an ex-friend was responsible. The ex-friend had been storing belongings in the vehicle, and there was a dispute over who rightfully owned it—the husband or ex-friend. Coincidentally, the ex-friend visited to retrieve her belongings, and shortly thereafter, the vandalism occurred.

The victim’s wife said she didn’t want to get into the details of the dispute and that she simply needed everything documented in anticipation of a court case brought upon by the ex-friend, who was prone to suing people. The relationship breakdown had been a great source of drama.

The deputy informed the woman that her type of dispute belonged in civil, not criminal, court, but an investigation could be opened if she wished.

OTHER REPORTS:
Civil disputes: 8th Street
Public intoxication: Via Real, 6th Street
Theft: Foothill Road, Palm Avenue
Warrant arrest: Aragon Drive

VANDAL TARGETS CARPINTERIA WORKFORCE:
A vandal or vandals showed productive community members the more destructive side of the community between Sept. 14 and 17 at several businesses. During that time period, tires were slashed at the corporate offices of Venoco Inc., PlanMember Financial and CKE. In all, at least six vehicles received punctured tires at the cluster of businesses on the east end of Carpinteria Avenue. Surveillance video from PlanMember showed a suspicious male dressed in a sweatshirt and shorts riding a bicycle into the company’s parking lot at about 7 a.m. on Sept. 15. The man could be seen exiting the lot about four minutes later, but the vandalism was not captured by the camera. The identity of the man could not be ascertained from the low-quality footage.

CORRELATING STOP SIGN SCOFFLAWS AND METH USE:
Two separate incidents of men running stop signs on bicycles led to arrests for possession and use of crystal meth. Deputies patrolling a Carpinteria neighborhood each pulled over bicycle riders for ignoring stop signs in a similar fashion, and in each case—one on Sept. 12 and one on Sept. 15—the men allegedly exhibited tell-tale symptoms of meth use.

The first stop sign runner was confronted by a deputy at about 3 p.m. on Sept. 12 after blowing through a stop sign at an estimated 10 miles per hour on Aragon Drive. Along with not having the patience to stop, the man, 30, was fidgety in other ways, like having “fluttering” eyelids and a rapid-fire cadence to his speech, according to the deputy report. Also, the man’s pulse rate was reportedly clocked at 177 beats per minute. Suspecting the man had used amphetamines, deputies brought him to the station for a urine test, which came up positive for meth and marijuana. He was arrested for being under the influence of a controlled substance.

Then on Sept. 15 at 8 a.m., a 29-year-old man allegedly ignored a stop sign at Azalea Drive and El Carro Lane. He too suffered from “fluttering” eyelids, along with a host of other involuntary hyperactivity. His pulse was clocked at a less impressive 110 beats per minute. In searching the man, deputies found a small amount of marijuana. In his possession was also a folded up lottery ticket which deputies set aside when bringing the man to the station for a urine test. The man refused to pee in a cup for deputies and was brought to jail for his alleged meth use. At the jail, a closer inspection of the lottery ticket showed that it was creased so it could hold what was estimated as .3 grams of meth. He was booked on suspicion of meth use and possession.

UP A CREEK:
A woman who was already recognizable to deputies for past exploits reportedly made an attempt to avoid law enforcement when she led an officer on a foot chase up Santa Monica Creek on Sept. 15. Deputies were alerted to the woman’s presence and suspicious behavior at about 11:30 a.m. when she reportedly ditched a bicycle in front of an elementary school and began walking up the street and casting paranoid looks over her shoulders. Deputies found that the subject, 21, was wanted by her probation officer, but when officers attempted to stop her for questioning, she tried her luck at an off-road foot race rather than facing the music. After the woman bounded into the creek bed, a deputy trailed her from above the creek before descending into the bed himself and catching the woman. She was immediately arrested for allegedly resisting arrest, and a urine sample she provided showed that she had recently used meth, opiates, benzodiapezenes and marijuana—in no particular order. Asked if she wanted to talk, the woman reportedly said, “It was a dirty test, pretty much says it all.” She was arrested for being under the influence and resisting arrest.

FINDING A HAPPY PLACE:
Deputies searching for a wanted woman instead found a wanted man crouching near a shed that was reportedly used for growing marijuana on Malibu Drive on Sept. 15 at about 11:30 a.m. When deputies knocked at the door to the residence, they wanted to arrest a woman who had an outstanding warrant. The resident who answered the door said the woman was not there. Unsatisfied, deputies searched the residence, and a man was spotted in the backyard.

The man, 51, reportedly was attempting to gain entrance into a locked garage, but when that failed he decided to sit near a backyard shed containing marijuana plants. When confronted, the man said he was not hiding. Deputies noticed that the man was fidgety and exhibiting symptoms of meth use including “fluttering” eyelids. His pulse was clocked at 120 beats per minute. Deputies arrested the man for suspicion of being under the influence, and the man reportedly called officers a few derogatory names. He refused to pee in a cup and was arrested for violating his probation. The marijuana in the shed was not cause for arrest in the deputy report.

OTHER REPORTS:
Burglary: Palmetto Way
Public intoxication: Carpinteria Avenue
Theft: Carpinteria Avenue, 8th Street
Warrant arrest: Maple Avenue

URINE, “BUBBLES” AND FALSE TAGS:
A man accused of placing false registration tags on his motorcycle might be guilty of a lot more—like possession of cocaine—unless his excuses hold up. Also reportedly on the man’s person when he was pulled over on Dorrance Way on Sept. 11 was a vial of urine, but possession of that item, according to the deputy report, was not a crime.

The situation began when a patrolling deputy observed the 51-year-old motorcycle rider hanging a right on Dorrance Way with current registration tags on his plate. The deputy noted that he had run the plate through the system on a previous occasion, and the registration had been expired. After pulling the man over, the deputy observed some suspicious behavior. The man reportedly motioned with his hands toward the zipper on his pants, and after unzipping his fly, the man tried to conceal something in his pants.

A search of the man revealed a package of syringes, a prescription bottle filled with urine and a container of a powdered substance labeled “Bubbles.” The urine, said the suspect, was in transit to a friend who needed it because he would “pee dirty.” The “Bubbles” were also destined for a friend, and they were not illegal because they’d been purchased at a legitimate smoke shop, said the man.

The man was found to be on probation, and his probation officer requested that a urine sample be collected from the man. However, the man refused, reportedly saying it was no use since he knew his pee would test positive for meth. The probation officer said the man’s next court date was in a matter of days, and the violation of refusing a urine test would be dealt with then.

Deputies impounded the motorcycle and cited the man for his traffic violation. They also confiscated the “Bubbles.” A test of the substance back at the Carpinteria station showed that “Bubbles” contained cocaine. Deputies visited the man at his residence the following day and arrested him for suspicion of the crime. For his part, the man said it was impossible that the substance was cocaine. The test had to be wrong, he said, because the substance was an imitation methamphetamine, not cocaine.

RUNNING WOMAN:
A woman suspected of drinking in public learned the hard way what her male companion already knew—running from law enforcement is a bad idea. According to a deputy report, a male and female looking to get away from the cramped and noisy confines of a bar to share a drink and some time in private on Sept. 8 received different treatment for committing the similar crime of drinking in public.

A patrolling deputy rolled by a parking lot on 7th Street across from a bar and spotted the man, 28, and woman, 27. Noticing the deputy, the woman reportedly attempted to shield a cup from the deputy’s sight, leading the deputy to shine a spotlight at the subjects. The spotlight spooked the woman, who reportedly began to walk away. The deputy then exited his vehicle and commanded the woman to stop, which reportedly led her to pick up the pace and ditch her glass into some shrubbery. The deputy quickly caught her, and she gave up on her flight.

The deputy immediately handcuffed the woman and told her she was under arrest for delaying his investigation. The news did not sit well with the woman, who reportedly argued and pleaded to be freed. The deputy explained to the woman that she was arrested for suspicion of delaying him in his duties, destroying evidence and possession of an open container of alcohol in public.

The man who reportedly was sharing a drink with the woman was better humored and told the officer directly that he knew better than to run away from law enforcement, particularly if he’d been drinking. He also reportedly chuckled through the story of how he arrived in the parking lot across from the bar. The woman ordered a couple of cocktails, he recalled, and then she suggested that they find a quieter place to talk and drink. She led him across the street.

Satisfied that the man understood not to misbehave again, the deputy instructed him to return the glasses to the bar and stay out of trouble. The woman was ushered to jail.

OTHER REPORTS:
Possession of synthetic narcotics: El Carro Lane

Under the influence of a controlled substance: Carpinteria Avenue

NEIGHBOR BEWARE:
An uneasy relationship between neighbors became rockier after a night of mysterious noises resulted in $150 of not-so-mysterious vandalism to the victim’s car—an egged back bumper and spray-painted back-right quarter panel.

The male victim, 47, had been living in his Via Real mobile home for three weeks, but it didn’t take long for his tenure to become a nuisance to his neighbor, 51, who was not only his rent collector in the absence of the actual landlord but is now a suspect in the vandalism case. Prior to the victim’s new, unwanted auto paint job, the suspect had allegedly asked him to vacate his residence without 30-day notice and without a proper eviction. Ultimately, the neighbors attempted to be neighborly and allegedly agreed on a Sept. 15 move out date.

The friendliness quickly faded when the victim allegedly heard someone enter his residence at 11 p.m. on Sept. 3 and heard the suspect’s intoxicated voice say, “Hello.” The victim told the entrant to exit. Several minutes later, the victim noted a popping noise coming from outside followed by a hissing sound, which he chocked up to the suspect watering plants. Performing his own investigation from the front door, he allegedly saw the suspect standing near the carport and then staggering back to her residence, deepening his suspicion that she was intoxicated. That observation whet his investigatory appetite for the night, and he went to bed without any further inquiry.

The victim’s mental wheels began spinning the next morning when he and a friend headed out to the vehicle. The friend inquired about the new paint job, and as the victim surveyed the eggshells and spray paint, he connected the mysterious noises to the vandalism. He sent the newly arrived friend over to the suspect’s residence on a hunt for restitution. Sheriff’s deputies were called when that proved unfruitful.

The suspect told deputies that she went over to the victim’s the night before to inquire about rent when she heard a noise in the bushes. The suspect returned from her own residence with a flashlight to investigate. After she didn’t turn up any cause of nuisance or suspicion, she ventured back home without noting any vandalism at the time. When the suspect’s trash turned up no spray paint can and one empty egg carton, deputies returned to the station with no arrests.

HIGH-TENSION HOUSEHOLD:
Sheriff’s deputies arrived after the dust had already settled when roommates got rowdy and generations clashed at a Birch Street apartment shortly before 8 p.m. on Sept. 4. The 53-year-old victim allegedly confronted the suspected assailant, 23, and another roommate, 29, about their “unemployment and overall laziness.“ Tempers flared when the victim allegedly told both of the younger males to “man up,” which produced repeated invitations for a fight. The victim avoided the lopsided confrontation and returned to his room where the suspected assailant and the other roommate began allegedly pounding on the door and telling the victim to meet them outside. When the pounding stopped and the roommates left the residence, the victim’s hankering for a confrontation began, and he ventured outdoors. He was arguing with the 29-year-old when the assailant allegedly ran up Birch Street and punched the victim in the face. Both males walked away down Birch.

The victim told deputies that he didn’t see a weapon but believed the assailant had one in his hitting hand. However, deputies believed the hit came from a weaponless fist based on the look of the cuts. The suspected assailant and roommate could not be located and interviewed. A fourth roommate, who did not see the confrontation, reported that he heard the ruckus and then corroborated the victim’s description of the incident’s outcome.

WHEN THE DUST SETTLES:
A Santa Barbara County sheriff’s deputy in full uniform was on full alert and soon to be fully involved with a quartet of suspects after spotting a known male probationer, 26, entering a Carpinteria Avenue motel on Aug. 25 at 12:15 p.m. After the deputy contacted the motel to figure out with what room the probationer was associated, he joined another deputy and approached the room to conduct a probation search of the subject.

The deputy’s “Sherriff’s Department,” announcement was allegedly met with a ruckus of movement, whispering and moving furniture. For their protection and the protection of any evidence, the deputy at the screen-less window pushed the curtain aside and saw a male suspect, 37, allegedly holding what appeared to be a pipe and tinfoil with burn marks on it and a female, 23, allegedly hiding something under the bed. The two deputies drew their weapons and told everyone to put their hands up. A sweep of the room turned up the original probationer in the bathroom as well as two glass pipes with white residue, baggies containing suspected methamphetamine, empty baggies and a digital scale.

The female suspect took responsibility for the suspected methamphetamine while also grabbing for a makeup case that would turn up additional baggies of suspected methamphetamine. With the presence of narcotics paraphernalia, two probationers with full search and seizure terms and the group allegedly showing symptoms of controlled substance use, deputies arrested the crew, taking the four suspects to the Carpinteria Substation where the white substance tested positive as a total of 14.7 grams of methamphetamine. When asked for a urine sample, the 23-year-old female suspect replied, “You saw what was in that room, but sure,” before testing positive for meth. The 37-year-old male suspect also tested positive for meth.

Two phones from the scene added to the suspects’ troubles when deputies uncovered alleged narcotics sales related text messages. The messages and paraphernalia were enough to arrest the 23-year-old female and 37-year-old male, who are suspected of selling narcotics.

PEDALING UNDER THE INFLUENCE:
Shortly before 11 p.m. on Aug. 27, a deputy spotted a 45-year-old male struggling to walk his bike northbound on Linden Avenue. When the man mounted his bike, things took a turn for the worse as he rode off the sidewalk and into the middle of the street, nearly losing his balance as he put his foot down. The deputy pulled his patrol car up to the suspect to ask if he was okay, and the allegedly intoxicated cyclist took this as an invitation to start his own line of questioning as he stumbled toward the patrol car stating, “I was looking for you cause I have questions.” The inquisitive man continued to stumble and slur his speech as he followed the deputy’s directions and meandered his bike back to the sidewalk.

Doubting whether the man could care for himself and also fearing a car would hit him, the deputy arrested the biker for public intoxication. The slurring suspect’s most immediate threat turned out to be a locked open blade in his front pocket, which the deputy found and with which the deputy feared the staggering suspect would stab himself in the leg or groin area if he fell. The suspect allowed the deputy to lock his bike up for the night while he was booked and locked up in Santa Barbara County Jail without further incident.

OTHER REPORTS:
Mail theft: Ranch Road/Ortega Ridge Road
Possession of a controlled substance: Carpinteria Avenue
Possession of synthetic narcotics: Malibu Drive/ Tomol Drive
Public Intoxication: Linden Avenue
Burglary: Calle Dia, Casitas Pass Road
Vandalism: Carpinteria Avenue, Dahlia Court
Suspicious Circumstance: Sandyland Avenue, Carpinteria Avenue
Larceny: Lillie Avenue
Under the influence of a controlled substance: 7th Street/ Ash Avenue
Warrant arrest: Carpinteria Avenue
Sales/manufacturing of synthetic narcotics: Carpinteria Avenue
Possession of synthetic narcotics: Via Real
Driving under the influence: Via Real

THE EARLY BIRD SOUNDS THE ALARM:
Residents at a Carpinteria Avenue apartment complex got an unwelcomed wakeup call on Aug. 19 when a fire alarm sounded at 12:30 a.m. The executive property manager, 46, quickly rose, looking for any signs of fire. When she didn’t spot any signs, she walked the property to locate the sounding alarm and ended up spotting an unknown vehicle allegedly “speed away” onto Carpinteria Avenue.

When the alarm in question was located, it turned out to be tricky to turn off. The manager spent 30 unsuccessful minutes trying to silence the alarm, followed by two unsuccessful calls for assistance—one to the fire station and one to the alarm company. However, a thorough reading of the instructions proved fruitful, and the alarm was finally quieted.

Later that day, the manager noticed two suspicious items. First, the building’s circuit box was missing all nine of its bolts but was still secure and could not be opened. Building maintenance promptly fixed this conundrum, according to the manager. Next, she noticed a Carpinteria State Beach campground registration sticker complete with a name and license plate number in the vicinity of where she believed she spotted the unfamiliar vehicle early that morning. Deputies ran the sticker information, finding no matches and resulting in no suspect leads.

RISKY BUSINESS:
A 23-year-old suspect took a gamble on Aug. 15 when he entered a local grocery store that had banned him for allegedly shoplifting twice on Aug. 9. The gamble went south when Santa Barbara County Sheriff’s deputies arrived in response to a call about the trespassing individual who then tested his luck in a foot pursuit with deputies around 2:30 p.m.

The chase ended with the suspect confusedly asking what was going on then spontaneously stating that he was being arrested for a theft from a few days earlier. With the suspect secured in the vehicle under supervision by one deputy, the second deputy followed up with the store manager. The manager said that the two Aug. 9 shoplifting trips had not been reported to law enforcement but had been taped. The footage was given to the deputies and showed the suspect allegedly stealing a bottle of tequila, food and some dog food during his first trip into the store. Approximately an hour later he was taped risking a second trip into the store for a 24-pack of beer. The suspect told deputies he was “pretty wasted” when he lifted the beer. When asked if he entered the store with the intent to steal, he said yes and acknowledged that he was asked not to reenter the store.

The young thief reportedly risked reentry on Aug. 15 because this grocery store is the only local spot that he knows of that handles his brand of money transfer. To avoid another run-in with the man, the store manager signed a Citizen’s Arrest form. The suspect was arrested for petty theft and trespassing among other incident-related charges.

OTHER REPORTS:
Larceny: Whitney Avenue (2), Via Real, Sandyland Road (2), Linden Avenue (2)
Vandalism: Carpinteria Avenue
Property damage: Carpinteria Avenue
Domestic disturbance: Post Avenue

SMOOTH-SKINNED, WHITE-TOOTHED CRIMINAL AT LARGE:
An alleged thief gave a fat endorsement to the Crest and Oil of Olay line of products during a well crafted heist of nearly $600 in lotions and teeth cleaners at a Casitas Plaza store on Aug. 12. According to deputy reports, the male shown on the store’s surveillance camera made a clean getaway and rolled into the store on a wheelchair even though he may not have been disabled.

The thief made such a clean getaway that the store’s loss prevention officer was reportedly unaware that a theft had occurred until a stocker noticed the depletion of inventory on the store’s shelves. Then a review of the surveillance footage verified the theft.

A man estimated to be in his early thirties wheeled into the store and reportedly went directly to the toiletries aisle. He loaded up items, including a teeth whitener priced at $165 and several lotions over $50, and then meandered around the store. When he made a break for it, the man reportedly waited at the entrance until somebody from the outside triggered the door so he could get out the in door and steer clear of any store employees. The officer also noted that the man appeared to be standing and walking at times and likely didn’t need a wheelchair. No suspect had been identified at the time of the report.

FREAK OUT:
A man who said the sight of a law officer “freaked him out” did himself no favors by running away before the officer even said hello at El Carro Park at about 9 p.m. on Aug. 8. According to the deputy report, the officer drove through the parking lot to patrol for illegal activity when he saw an occupied vehicle. Before the officer had a chance to investigate, the vehicle’s door flew open, and the subject ran across the field.

The officer yelled into the twilight for the figure to stop, but the man kept going. Instead of giving chase, the officer radioed for backup and the officer took a look in the vehicle to see why the subject was so skittish. Inside, the officer saw tinfoil, pen tubes and suspected cocaine, leading the officer to believe that the man was likely smoking the drug.

A registration check showed the owner to be a 50-year-old man. Since the vehicle had been abandoned in the parking lot, the officer had it towed away.

Later in the evening, officers caught up to the registered owner on Padaro Lane, and the initial patrolling deputy verified it was the same guy who had run away. The man reportedly admitted to using “a couple of puffs” of cocaine, adding that he “freaked out” when the officer drove into the parking lot. He was arrested for possession and delaying an officer in the performance of his duties.

OTHER REPORTS:
Assault: Casitas Pass Road
Burglary: Sandyland Road
Driving under the influence: Carpinteria Avenue, Linden Avenue
Possession of synthetic narcotics: Eleanor Drive
Public intoxication: Linden Avenue
Theft: El Carro Lane, Casitas Pass Road, Humphrey Road
Trespassing: Foothill Road
Vandalism: Foothill Road, (2) 9th Street, Carpinteria Avenue, Via Real

CITY HALL IS NO HAVEN FOR BIKES:
On Aug. 4, a man found out the hard way that an unlocked bike isn’t safe in Carpinteria, even at City Hall—which happens to share a building with the sheriff’s department. Luckily for the theft victim, he spotted his bicycle a short time after it was stolen and recovered it, but it’s unlikely he’ll leave the bike, which was valued at $500, untethered anytime soon.

According to a deputy report, the man left his bike unlocked in front of City Hall to take care of business inside at about 11:30 a.m. and returned a brief time later to find that his bike was gone. Only about an hour after that, he encountered the bike in the possession of a man and woman on Linden Avenue, and they returned it without incident.

The man who lost and found his bike said that the woman who commandeered it explained that she saw it outside City Hall and figured it was abandoned. She went inside to inquire about the available-looking bike, and nobody knew who it belonged to so she considered it fair game. The victim declined to press charges.

KNOCK IF YOU'VE GOT NO WHERE TO GO:
A Cameo Road resident was rudely awakened by a rapping at his front door at about 3 a.m. on Aug. 4 by a person he described as a drunk stranger. Soon after the suspicious circumstance was phoned in to dispatch, a deputy encountered a man, 22, who fit the description of the allegedly drunk stranger.

He had knocked at the random door because he was stranded and needed to get back to Oxnard, explained the night wanderer. The man said he’d come to Carpinteria in a vehicle with a woman, but she ditched him without his money or phone. The officer offered a phone for the man to call the woman, but he could not recall her number. He was equally ignorant of the phone number of any friend or family member whom he could call for a ride.

The Cameo Road resident had elected not to press charges, but since the allegedly intoxicated knocker had nowhere to go, he was booked into county jail for suspicion of public intoxication.

LEAVE THE ENGINE RUNNING:
A man who apparently considered Linden Avenue a safe place to leave his work truck running at the curbside on the morning of Aug. 1 was in for a shock when the truck disappeared. The alleged vehicle thief, however, may have been even more cavalier in thinking he could get away with driving off with the vehicle—and the dog inside it—since the company truck was equipped with GPS.

According to the deputy report, a man collecting a debt in Carpinteria drove his Santa Barbara-based company truck to the 500 block of Linden Avenue to make a quick stop, and left the vehicle running with his dog on board. An opportunistic man, 22, who had reportedly told his dad he’d be in Ventura soon, saw the truck and took his chances.

When the man with the missing truck reported the incident to the sheriff’s department and to his employer, they put their heads together to track the vehicle with its GPS. They picked up the truck’s signal traveling south on Highway 101.

Officers caught up to the vehicle and thief near his dad’s Ventura residence, and the dog was gone. Officers found a serrated kitchen knife in the vehicle and the father claimed ownership of it, but possession of the knife broke the son’s probation, in addition to his truck thieving.

The man said he’d ditched the dog early on in the joy ride near Linden Avenue and Foothill Road. A resident near the area reported that the dog had been recovered. The man was arrested for his alleged crimes; however, dognapping was not listed in the report.

OTHER REPORTS:
Bicycle theft: Linden Avenue
Burglary: Via Real, Carpinteria Avenue
Criminal suspicion: Birch Street
Public intoxication: Casitas Pass Road, 9th Street,
Under the influence of a controlled substance: Malibu Drive
Vandalism: Calle Ocho
Theft: Via Real (2), Tomol Drive

WRITING THE BOOK ON METH DEALING:
A man who claimed to have no knowledge of how 7.6 grams of meth, along with a scale and baggies, ended up in his car may have provided another smoking gun by keeping a record book containing names and dollar amounts in his trunk.

A deputy first spotted a vehicle with overly tinted windows exiting a Carpinteria Avenue motel at around 8 p.m. on July 29. After initiating a traffic stop for the darkened windows, the deputy informed the driver, 24, of why he was stopped. The driver said he had only recently purchased the car, and it had come with dark windows. In fact, the vehicle was still registered under the former owner’s name, he said, and its registration could not be located. The owner, a friend of the driver, had sold the vehicle before enlisting in the Marines.

Deputies decided to assist in the search for the registration inside the vehicle. Instead of paperwork, officers found a double-edged, spring-loaded knife before also locating the meth and other related items. There were also over 30 prescription pills.

Two male passengers in the vehicle, 22 and 28, both said they were hitching rides, one to get more beer, and they were unaware that there were drugs on board. They said the driver swung by to pick them up near Bailard Avenue before making a quick stop to drop off unknown items at the motel.

The driver said he was equally ignorant as to why the drugs were in the car. Deputies then confronted him with the ledger book listing names and dollar amounts and he explained that away as being an account log for his mechanic business. Deputies reportedly found other suspicious documentation within the man’s cell phone, including text messages from people requesting “lines” and “sacs,” and the message: “Cool but can you make my twenty a thirty or hook it up a bit,” according to the deputy report.

Deputies released the passengers and arrested the driver for suspicion of selling meth. Then before entering jail, the man admitted that there was more meth in his shoe. A deputy found two more little sacks, and the suspect noted that they belonged to him, but the stuff in the car did not.

DRUNK& FABULOUS:
A man accused of leaving a wake of bad blood in has path of belligerence was arrested for suspicion of public intoxication at about 6 p.m. on July 29. Calls poured in to deputies reporting that the man was trying to acquire alcohol and reacting badly when denied.

At a Casitas Pass Road business, the man was refused his booze, so he reportedly took it out on displays in the front of the store by knocking them over. Then, at a Carpinteria Avenue restaurant, the man attempted to buy a beer but the clerk said no. He reportedly tried to steal the tip jar, apparently thinking the staff didn’t deserve it.

Deputies caught up to the man on Carpinteria Avenue near Eugenia Way and found him reportedly too drunk to adequately explain himself. He said he hadn’t had much to drink and that he believed he was strolling through a town in the Bay Area.

While deputies questioned the man, another alleged victim approached them. She said that while dining on a restaurant patio with friends, the suspect approached them to ask for money. The diners said “no” and the man threw a chair at them and nearly struck one of them in the head.

Deputies arrested the man for suspicion of public intoxication, and he was lulled to sleep in the back of the car on the way to Goleta Valley Cottage Hospital for medical clearance. He was eventually transported to jail.

OTHER REPORTS:
Driving under the influence: Limu Drive
Fraud: Casitas Pass Road
Public intoxication: Casitas Pass Road

IDLE IDIOTS:
Vandals on Sandyland Road on July 24 blamed their destructive brick throwing on having nothing better to do with their time. The culprits were not caught; rather their motivations were written on the red brick that landed in the backseat of a car after it smashed through the rear passenger window. The message said: “Yo. Sorry about your window, but there aint (expletive) to do in this town on a Sunday night. We were bored. It’s ok, just call your (expletive) insurance. Don’t be a (expletive) snitch.” Deputies had no leads to follow, and the victim said she’d only moved to Carpinteria one month ago and had yet to make any enemies. The brick was taken for evidence.

BIG TIRES, BIG BAG OF METH:
A deputy initiated a traffic stop at around 5 p.m. on July 18 at the Santa Claus Lane exit of Highway 101 because the truck’s tires were too big for it to not have mud flaps. A more thorough investigation revealed that the contents of the truck also violated the law.

According to the deputy report, the officer noticed a lifted truck carrying five passengers traveling at an estimated 70 miles per hour. And since the truck had been fitted with offroad tires, it would have a tendency to spit gravel into the air. California law states that type of tire must be guarded by mud flaps to mitigate rock spray.

After pulling the vehicle over, the deputy first began to suspect that there was more to the traffic stop than a mud flap violation when he detected the odor of alcohol. The driver was asked out of the vehicle, leaving four fidgety passengers inside. Concerned over furtive movements by the four remaining passengers, the deputy called in backup.

When backup arrived, all subjects exited the vehicle. They would not, however, consent to a search of the vehicle. Since the deputies were not given permission to peruse the contents of the vehicle, a drug-sniffing dog was deployed to nose around the exterior. The 2-year-old German Shepherd sat down and refused to budge when it passed the driver’s side door, sign that he’d caught a whiff of drugs.

The drugs, in fact, were behind the driver’s seat. Inside a Tupperware container, deputies found an estimated two pounds of crystal meth. All five occupants of the vehicle were escorted to the Carpinteria Sheriff’s Station, but all but one refused to talk. The one man who waived his right to silence said he had no idea drugs were in the truck. He was just along for a ride to Los Angeles and back from Santa Barbara.

Deputies released all passengers, but the driver, 24, was arrested for possession.

THREE STRIKES:
A man who twice had deputies called on him related to noisy arguments was eventually arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol near the intersection of highways 150 and 101 on July 22.

Deputies first heard from a Carpinteria Avenue neighbor that a possible domestic dispute was happening inside a residence at around 7:45 p.m. After reporting to the scene, deputies learned that although the man, 46, and woman might have been arguing, they were not committing any crimes. However, another call came in about the same address at 9:15 p.m. This time there were reports of seven people fighting outside.

Everyone that was on the scene when deputies arrived said the man who had instigated the fight had driven away. A description of the man and the vehicle left deputies certain that it was the same guy they had spoken to less than two hours ago and that the man was likely still intoxicated. Deputies noted they had many encounters with the same man on previous dates.

They caught up to him and pulled him over. The first deputy had the man step out of the car because he was allegedly sitting behind the wheel scarfing a slice of pizza. Deputies noted that the man refused to do roadside calisthenics because he has flat feet, he said. He asked if they could just do the breath test, but when presented with the test, he changed his mind. Then when deputies prepared to handcuff the man, he changed his mind again and opted to blow. The test registered .08, exactly the legal limit, and deputies arrested him for suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol. He had prior convictions for DUI, deputies noted.

OTHER REPORTS:
Driving under the influence: Santa Ynez Avenue
Motor vehicle theft: Linden Avenue
Suspicious circumstances: Padaro Lane
Theft: Casitas Pass Road, Cameo Road, Pacific Village Drive
Vandalism: Hickory Street
Warrant arrest: Padaro Lane

OUTTA MY WAY:
Officers investigating a vandalized mailbox on 7th Street stumbled upon an allegedly intoxicated man and woman at around 9 p.m. on July 18. The woman, 21, was reportedly the drunker of the two and had no qualms about saying so.

A witness to the mailbox vandalism, a crime that knocked the box to the ground, called the sheriff’s department and later identified the alleged culprits. Deputies arrived and had the suspects sit on the curb. Then deputies beckoned the woman to come to speak to them, but she hesitated. Asked what the hold up was, the woman reportedly replied that she failed to launch to her feet because she was drunk. She admitted to consuming a 40-ounce beer and also spontaneously told officers that the destruction of the mailbox was an accident. She’d run into the box and knocked it over due to her unsteadiness, she said. The woman was arrested for public intoxication.

M & M (meth and marijuana):
A man who was arrested for violating probation because he allegedly had skipped a urine exam later said he had no idea how his pee got dirty when he finally submitted to the test. After he reportedly was a no show for the drug test, deputies arrested him at around 9 p.m. on July 16. Then when the test was administered, the man, 24, was shocked that it came back positive for meth and marijuana. He had not used meth for at least a week, he said, and he usually ingested the drug like a pill. He said he was trying to stay clean and only occasionally used meth and only while at friends’ houses because he does not “(defecate) where he sleeps.” He further explained that he had showed up at the probation office for his drug test but was not prepared to pee. To fill up his bladder, he wandered to a nearby coffee house, but when he returned to the probation office he found it locked up. He was arrested for violating probation and suspicion of being under the influence of drugs.

BEATINGS ARE IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER:
Three different accounts of an alleged assault on Carpinteria Avenue on July 13—one each from a witness and both alleged assailants—placed the blame for the fight into the hands of different aggressors.

A witness to the fight, who phoned the sheriff’s department, said it appeared that a vehicle occupied by three females and a male pulled alongside a male riding a bicycle at around 8 p.m. According to the witness account, the vehicle had loud music playing and rolled to a stop. Four occupants emerged from the vehicle and encircled the bicycle rider. They were yelling indecipherable statements and numerous bystanders crowded to watch the fight. However, the witness said no punches were thrown and no one involved ever tumbled to the ground. The witness believes the assailants fled in the car because so many witnesses had gathered.

Deputies then interviewed the cyclist, who remained on scene. He said the car pulled up and the man, 20, from the vehicle yelled “I’m gonna f*%k you!” before accosting the cyclist, 24, and delivering a punch to his lip. The cyclist wrestled him to the ground and further received a scratch to his face. The motivation for the fight stemmed from a conflict at the restaurant the two men used to work at together. He wanted to press charges.

Then deputies caught up to the alleged assailant from the vehicle. He said the bicyclist used to be his friend and coworker and they had beef over work conflict. The argument at work ended when he kicked the cyclist and got fired for it, he said. On that evening, he was in the vehicle passing by the cyclist, and the cyclist uttered a challenge toward the vehicle. He then responded to the challenge, which he thought was “Let’s get down!” by emerging from the vehicle and confronting the cyclist. However, he said he never punched first. The cyclist wrestled him to the ground and punched him before he landed any blows, so any punches he threw were in self-defense. He wanted to press charges. Faced with no clear victim and assailant, deputies opted to send reports to the district attorney’s office.

MEXICO OR BUST:
A woman reporting that her vehicle was stolen from its parking spot on Sandyland Road had a pretty good idea who had taken the vehicle but no idea where it was. In reporting the allegedly stolen vehicle on July 16, the woman said her 17-year-old daughter coincidentally went missing between July 14 and 15 along with the car. The daughter did not have a cell phone, she said. Asked where she might be, the woman reportedly replied, “She could be in Mexico for all I know.” The mother wanted a stolen vehicle report filed, but deputies had not tracked down the vehicle or the daughter/suspect at the time of the report.

OTHER REPORTS:
Civil dispute: Bailard Avenue
Identity theft: Via Real
Public intoxication: Carpinteria Avenue
Theft: Via Real, Carpinteria Avenue
Vandalism: Hickory Street, Foothill Road
Warrant arrest: Cameo Road, Casitas Pass Road, Malibu Drive, 6th Street, Linden Avenue, Sandyland Road

MULE-MAN RIDES A BIKE:
A man who was pulled over for bicycling at 2 a.m. without a light and running a stop sign reportedly swallowed a baggie of crystal meth to avoid getting caught but eventually confessed to possession of the drug—even though the evidence was reportedly passing through his digestive tract.

The incident began in the early morning of July 9 when a deputy was on the lookout for car theft suspects following multiple theft reports in the area of Palm Avenue on the previous night. A 42-year-old man on a light-less bicycle caught the deputy’s eye, so the deputy asked that the dim night cyclist to stop. Rather than stop, the man only slowed down, leading to the deputy grabbing his arm and seating him on the curb.

According to the deputy’s account of an interview with the subject, the night cyclist spoke rapidly and twitched, leading the deputy to believe that the man was on meth. Then backup arrived, and the sound of a car door closing reportedly jolted the fidgety suspect. In a sudden burst, the suspect sprang to his feet, inserted an unknown object into his mouth and turned to run. After a short jaunt, however, the man’s attempt at flight ended badly with him reportedly snagging a foot on some cobble and taking a dive to the ground.

Deputies pounced on the man’s back and restrained him, but he would not go quietly. In order to avoid cuffed wrists, the suspect allegedly buried his hands under his abdomen. During the scuffle to cuff the man, he also reportedly stated, “I can’t get caught for this; I can’t go back to jail.”

Eventually the man’s wrists were dug out from under his body and slid into a pair of cuffs. At some point in the struggle, the man sustained a bloody nick on his ear.

Deputies discovered a broken meth pipe in the man’s pocket but no drugs. He was asked if he ditched any drugs onto the ground that could eventually endanger the public, but the man said no, he’d eaten it all. Concerned for the man’s wellbeing, a deputy asked him if consuming his stash might be harmful, but he was not concerned. The amount he ingested was within his tolerance level, he stated. He had last used earlier in the day and claimed to have eaten a small amount or “a hit of meth” at that time. A urine test indicated that the man had meth in his system, in addition to the amount that was reportedly in a plastic bag in his stomach. The man was brought to jail on suspicion of resisting arrest, possessing meth and a pipe, destroying evidence and violating probation.

WHAT WOMEN WANT:
Two men who were reportedly desperate to pick up young women in Carpinteria got more than they bargained for on July 10. While parked near the beach hollering to passersby, the men reportedly encountered a willing young lass, but she turned out to be purportedly pregnant by a juvenile male and just wanting a ride around Carpinteria.

Deputies eventually encountered the men and woman and boy in a vehicle and investigated to find out that the woman was violating probation, but the men who were out chasing women might have learned a harder lessen, despite avoiding trouble with the law.

According to sheriff’s department reports of the interview with the men, 24 and 26, they were staying in a hotel in Santa Barbara and drove to Carpinteria, where they parked by the beach. They observed women walking by and spoke to some of them, eventually getting the attention of a woman, 19, whom they had not beckoned.

The aggressive 19-year-old asked why they had passed her by and not hit on her. The men reportedly said they feared she was underage and would land them in trouble. She insisted she was old enough for them and further stated she’d go with them to their hotel. The men said another person vouched for the woman and said she was 19, so they told her to get in.

That’s when the boy approached. The woman told the men that the boy was her “baby daddy” and she was pregnant, but still wanted to go along for the ride. She could get more women—who weren’t pregnant—for the men to hang out with, she said, if they gave her a ride to an apartment.

The hopeful men transported the woman to the apartment where the women were supposed to be, and they reportedly were turned off at that point because no women appeared to be imminent and because the place looked pretty dingy, they said. However they agreed to provide one more ride, after which the pregnant woman departed the vehicle and went into another residence.

A deputy then became suspicious of the vehicle and recognized the juvenile in the vehicle. The boy was a frequent runaway, and the adult woman regularly exerted her influence on him, according to reports. Deputies had dealt with the couple frequently in the past.

Even though the woman denied having been in the vehicle with the boy, deputies pointed out that her purse was in there. She said it was not evidence that she and the boy were in the vehicle at the exact same moment, but deputies reportedly had seen enough and arrested the girl for suspicion of contributing to the delinquency of a minor. Everyone else, even the “baby daddy,” was released.

OTHER REPORTS:
Bicycle theft: Linden Avenue
Counterfeit bills: Linden Avenue
Prowling: Ortega Ranch Road, Dariesa Street
Public intoxication: Poplar Street, Via Real
Suspicious circumstances: Ash Avenue
Theft: Shelby Street, Olive Street, Casitas Pass Road
Under the influence of a controlled substance: Aragon Drive
Vandalism: Foothill Road
Warrant arrest: Linden Avenue, Sandyland Road

YOU CAN RUN, BUT...
A man who had fled from officers in the wee hours of the morning was eventually located and weeded out of an attic on Cramer Road at about 5 a.m. on June 28. Officers scoured Carpinteria searching for a suspicious man who had run away instead of following law officers’ commands to stop when confronted. According to Santa Barbara County Sheriff’s Department reports, the suspected eluder of officers was able to shake several units that pursued him, including a K-9, but when the man, 47, abruptly intruded into a private residence, officers were called to investigate the mysterious occurrence.

After the man barged in, two of the residents of the home on Cramer Road were disturbed from sleep. Officers soon arrived and were told that the residents had vacated the home and that the unfamiliar intruder was likely hidden in the attic.

Deputies proceeded with caution, first announcing their presence and giving the man time to exit the home on his own volition. When nobody emerged, the officers entered the home and systematically searched the house until coming to a locked door. In order to gain access to the room, an officer booted the door in, causing damage to the door and splintering portions of its frame.

Behind the door, officers found the access point for the attic in an empty room. Announcing their presence once again, officers reportedly gave the suspect another chance to shimmy out of his hiding space, but he apparently thought the game of hide-and-seek needed to come to its conclusion through seeking.

Officers finally rooted the man out by searching the recesses of the attic space, where the man was fully concealed under insulation. Once in custody, the man provided no reasoning for why he had run in the first place other than that he was spooked by the officers. He also said he did not intend to enter a home, but rather thought he was going into a garage. The man was arrested for resisting arrest.

HER BOYDRIEND'S GIRLFRIEND'S:
A woman claiming to have been assaulted ended up being the target of a burglary investigation after officers noticed several items that had been reported stolen in her possession. When a deputy arrived at a Carpinteria Avenue motel on June 29 to investigate an alleged battery, a couple of red flags went up related to the other investigation he was conducting.

A bicycle matching the description of the one parked outside the woman’s motel room had been reported stolen recently. The deputy entered the woman’s room because she said she needed to sit and nurse her injury, and inside, he noticed a blanket and pillows that were reported stolen also.

Each of the items was stolen from the motel across the street from where the deputy had arrived. And, the person who reported the thefts said she suspected the crimes were committed by a woman at the nearby motel who was suspiciously nosing about. The deputy had a hunch that he had encountered the very woman who was in the habit of wandering around the wrong motel.

Confronted about the suspicious items, the suspect, 41, said she’d purchased the bike from a yard sale at her aunt’s house several weeks ago. However, the bike owner was brought from across the street, and she identified the bicycle as hers and said it was stolen much more recently than the yard sale date.

Then asked about the blanket and pillows, which were identified by their San Francisco 49ers insignias, the suspect reportedly played dumb. How should she know how they landed in the room, she pondered. Her boyfriend was prone to having numerous women around, so one of his female visitors might have brought bedding into the room.

Deputy reports detailing the theft did not include further information on the assault investigation. The woman was arrested for suspicion of committing the thefts.

OTHER REPORTS:
Disorderly conduct: Bailard Avenue
Possession of synthetic narcotics: Casitas Pass Road
Possession of heroin: Carpinteria Avenue
Public intoxication: Lookout Park, Bailard Avenue
Theft: (2) Via Real, Banner Avenue, Colville Street, Padaro Lane, Stanley Park Road

LOST IN TRANSLATION:
A German woman suspected of possessing an illegal weapon and suffering paranoid delusions was arrested for packing a switchblade near the Carpinteria train platform at about 9:30 p.m. on June 14. According to deputy reports, in frenzied attempts to flee hallucinated danger, the woman, 41, forced herself into a vehicle and eventually began accusing deputies of joining the conspiracy against her.

After receiving reports of the woman entering an occupied vehicle, deputies responded to the scene to find that the woman had been booted from the car she attempted to hitch a ride in and was sitting outside a liquor store. The woman told deputies that people lurked in the bushes waiting to pounce and do her harm. She also spoke of a friend whom deputies could call to gain clarity about the situation.

During the interaction, the woman reportedly reached for her purse several times even though she was told not to do so, and deputies decided to search the purse. Inside, they found a switchblade knife with a 3.5-inch blade, a banned weapon in California. The woman said she’d purchased it in Berlin, Germany.

Deputies then phoned the person who’d been identified by the woman as a friend, and the person on the other end of the line said she had only just met the suspect. They were both on the train from San Diego, and the German seemed distraught and without a place to stay, so the knew friend jotted down her phone number. However, she could not explain the strange behavior or take responsibility for the woman.

Paranoid comments reportedly continued on the way to jail. When the deputy arrived with the woman at jail, he reportedly popped the trunk to disarm himself and retrieve the woman’s luggage. However, the woman began accusing the deputy of planting items in her luggage in an attempt to frame her. She was eventually booked into jail.

NAUGHTY BY NATURE:
A woman who believed that all law officers should recognize her at first sight, all but guaranteed they’ll know her the next time around after she removed her pants at the Sheriff’s station. Deputies picked her up for alleged public intoxication on June 15 at around 3 p.m. and somewhere along the way had to hog tie the unruly exhibitionist.

The incident began when a motel manager called for sheriff’s department intervention after a woman, 51, who was forbidden from motel property was spotted in a guest room. The motel manager had asked her to leave, but she had reportedly resisted until the manager dialed for help and she fled.

Deputies were able to track her to a neighboring property where she reportedly was hunkered down outside with a trash bag full of possessions that included open vodka and orange juice bottles. Asked to identify herself, the woman scoffed and said the deputy knew who she was. However, the deputy said he was unaware of the woman and had never arrested her before. After a couple of more attempts, the woman finally relented and gave the deputy her name.

Since the woman was not a high priority that day, according to deputy reports, the officer attempted to phone the woman’s family members to take custody of her, but the family members said that if she’d been drinking they wanted nothing to do with her.

A deputy transported the woman back to the Carpinteria substation for holding until she could be driven to jail. In her holding cell, the woman reportedly pounded the walls until a deputy entered and handcuffed her. She then reportedly slipped out of her pants and lay on the floor with her legs spread. Deputies instructed her to get dressed but she said that would not be possible since she was handcuffed. Deputies were able to yank the woman’s pants back up, and to ensure she would not slip them again, she was placed in a “hobble” restraint binding her legs and arms. She was eventually transported to jail on suspicion of public intoxication.

OTHER REPORTS:
Burglary: Evans Street
Suspicious circumstances: Casitas Pass Road
Theft: Carpinteria Avenue (3)
Vandalism: 8th Street

TRADER MARY JANE:
A deputy pulled over a vehicle on June 13 on Carpinteria Avenue and busted a man and woman who reportedly admitted to providing marijuana to some friends. However, pointed out the 22-year-old female suspected of dealing marijuana, the situation did not constitute drug dealing or selling, it was merely a case of her and her 27-year-old boyfriend being hard up for cash and “trading” marijuana they had acquired for medical purposes for other items of value like food and money.

The encounter began when the vehicle being operated by the woman cut off a deputy while it was pulling out onto Carpinteria Avenue from Arbol Verde Street. After pulling over the vehicle, the deputy smelled marijuana and investigated. Since the boyfriend was on probation, the deputy searched the vehicle and reportedly discovered a scale and several baggies of marijuana totaling about 26 grams. When asked why she was driving with a big stash of weed, the woman said that her marijuana collective was having a sale so she bought in bulk.

The search then focused on the contents of a cell phone that reportedly contained suspicious text messages written in drug dealer-ese like: “Hey U in carp my roommate wanted more of that” and “don’t forget that hash....”

With evidence mounting against the woman, she reportedly confessed to “trading” her economy-sized medical marijuana purchase for other resources. Semantics did not appease the deputy, who rejected the woman’s distinction between drug dealing and bartering.

A search of the woman’s motel room didn’t produce the aforementioned medical marijuana card. She was brought to jail for suspicion of selling marijuana, conspiracy to sell marijuana and transporting marijuana. The male friend, who never admitted to anything, was reportedly implicated through the cell phone and was arrested for committing the same alleged crimes and violating his probation.

DOGGY DOG DUI
A woman pulled over for swerving in Summerland on June 10 was reportedly undeterred by the deputy’s presence and the potential for aggravating a touchy situation when she asked to get back behind the wheel to track down her loose dog.

According to the deputy’s report, the officer pulled behind a car on Greenwell Avenue near Asegra Road at around 11 p.m., and the vehicle was weaving back and forth in the roadway. The vehicle then came to a stop near the driver’s residence ,and the driver, a 51-year-old woman, stepped out of the car followed by a pitbull that fled down the street. The deputy instructed the woman to beckon her dog so they could move on to other matters. Apparently not having faith in her ability to command the dog vocally, the woman said she’d prefer to drive to the dog’s location down the street.

The officer, however, had already detected a strong odor of alcohol emitting from the woman and instructed her not to return to the driver’s seat. The woman’s ability to call the dog back exceeded her expectations. The animal returned, and the deputy placed it back into the woman’s vehicle, where he discovered an opened 24-ounce Bud Light can along with two opened 12-ounce cans.

The woman admitted to drinking a couple of beers when she got home from work a couple hours earlier and also cruising around Summerland, admittedly, while consuming more beer. A breath exam corroborated her story, registering a .16 and .18. The woman was brought to jail for DUI, and the dog was released under a neighbor’s care.

SOME PEOPLE SAY THAT THERE'S A WOMAN TO BLAME:
A man accused of lying about his name and being in possession of marijuana almost had a deputy fooled, but the accused identity faker was outed and his real name was discovered at the 11th hour when a lady friend who was observing the man’s rendezvous with a deputy unwittingly revealed the man’s real name.

A deputy pulled the man over at about 9 p.m. on June 11 on Aragon Drive because he had started to drive without turning on his headlights. The driver, a 32-year-old man, reportedly was not in possession of a driver’s license and his only means of identifying himself was providing a name and date of birth to be checked in the computer system. Information provided by the man linked up with an identity in the computer, so the deputy went with it but also investigated to find the source of the marijuana aroma emitting from the vehicle. The deputy found a small amount of marijuana in the vehicle.

While writing a citation for the moving violation and marijuana possession, the deputy noticed a concerned-looking girl loitering near the scene, so he struck up a conversation with her. The subject of the investigation was a friend to the girl, she said, and she also referred to him by a name that he had not given the deputy.

Asked about his true identity, the man refused to answer. Then when the deputy handcuffed the man, he reportedly admitted that he’d issued a friend’s name and birthday because he wanted to avoid arrest for a possible warrant under his own name.

Since the identity used by the man could have potentially ended up footing the bill for traffic and marijuana-possession fines, the man was arrested for alleged identity theft.

OTHER REPORTS:
Assault: Via Real
Burglary: Linden Avenue, Casitas Pass Road
Possession of dangerous non-narcotic drug: Casitas Pass Road
Possession of marijuana: Concha Loma
Possession of synthetic narcotics: El Carro Lane, Casitas Pass Road, Ortega Hill Road
Public intoxication: Sandyland Road
Theft: Foothill Road
Under the influence of a controlled substance: Aragon Drive
Vandalism: Azalea Drive, Dahlia Court
Warrant arrest: Sterling Avenue
Weapons violation: Linden Avenue

GIPPER GOES DOWN:
In the aftermath of a domestic disturbance on May 29, a framed 8-inch by 11-inch Ronald Reagan portrait came to rest on the floor of a Carpinteria Avenue residence in a pile of shattered glass. The source of the domestic dispute, a male intruder in the residence who had been issued a restraining order barring him from contact with the resident, reportedly held Reagan in contempt, and during the tirade that resulted in the injured portrait, he disrespected the conservative icon’s legacy while also shooting vitriol at the victim and her male acquaintance.

The incident began when the victim and a friend arrived home to find that a window screen had been removed that afternoon. She suspected the restrained party had visited her after finding a stack of hospital paperwork in his name in the residence. She also noticed food and painkillers missing and called sheriff’s deputies to report that the unwanted man, 52, had broken into her place.

Meanwhile, the man reappeared—this time at the front door. Explaining his unexpected intrusion, the man said he’d been beaten, suffered facial injuries and needed help. The woman informed the man that help was on its way in the form of sheriff’s deputies, whom she had called.

News of the impending arrival of the lawmen infuriated the man and launched him into his Reagan-bashing tantrum. First went the portrait from the wall into a splintered version of its former glory on the floor. Then in a manic monologue, the suspect reportedly called Reagan a “hypocrite” before lumping Reagan, the woman and her friend together under the label of “white bread Christians.” He also allegedly challenged the woman’s friend to a fight before fleeing. Deputies were unable to track down the man.

ROLLIN' SANS ROLEX:
A wedding after party in an RV ended badly for the party host when he reportedly had his Rolex watch stolen by a party guest overnight between May 26 and 27 on Whitney Avenue in Summerland.

The RV owner said the day started out innocent enough with a wedding, after which he’d planned on making his own accommodations in his RV at the end of a Summerland driveway. One thing led to another, and after the kids went to sleep, several adults joined him in the RV for some alcoholic beverages. One of the attendees was a boyfriend of a relative who had generally been cast as a “shady” character by the others, according to the Rolex-theft victim.

At some point during the party, the victim said he did the usual with his valuable watch; he placed it on a carpeted step within the RV next to his pack of cigarettes. Around midnight, the party guests all left the RV to hit the sack elsewhere.

Then at 8 a.m., the man noticed the missing watch. Soon after, he reportedly went outside and noticed the shady guy lurking about. Asked what his purpose was, the shady guy reportedly said he was looking for a cigarette.

The victim did not wish for a full investigation and said he only reported the alleged crime for insurance purposes. He hoped the perpetrator would come clean without intervention by the law. The victim had already confronted the suspect, and the suspect—backed up by his less-shady girlfriend—denied wresting the wristwatch.

OTHER REPORTS:
Driving under the influence: Linhere Drive
Vandalism: Dahlia Court, Concha Loma Drive
Under the influence of a controlled substance: Venice Lane

MAC ATTACK:
Reports of an adult male staggering around the parking lot of a local fast food restaurant at around 10:30 p.m. on May 25 prompted an investigation by local sheriff’s deputies. The suspect was located eating in a car in the corner of the lot, where, according to deputy reports, officers observed the man “spilling all over himself” before they initiated a conversation by knocking on the driver’s side window.

The suspect rolled down his window, and deputies noted a strong odor of fast food partially masking the odor of alcohol. When asked if he had been drinking, the man replied that he was not driving. After the second round of the same question, the man responded that he had not consumed alcohol.

While procuring his wallet to show deputies his ID, the man managed to spill more of his meal onto his lap and the car seat. His attempts at removing his driver’s license were unsuccessful, and ultimately he handed one of the deputies his wallet so that the officer could retrieve the ID himself.

Opening the door to allow officers to search the vehicle proved similarly difficult. The suspect rolled up the window, rolled down the window, fumbled with the door handle and eventually opened the door.

Deputies failed to locate any open containers in the vehicle, but soon turned up a witness who had observed the suspect driving while evidently impaired. The woman told officers that the suspect had first attempted to enter her vehicle in the parking lot. She had informed him that he had the wrong car and he had relocated himself to the vehicle officers discovered him in. He had told the woman he would not drive, then proceeded to drive to another space on the other side of the parking lot.

During the ensuing DUI investigation, the man became increasingly belligerent. He told officers that a friend had dropped him off at the restaurant. He failed to perform the field sobriety tests, refused a breath test and tried to walk away from the scene. One of the officers placed him in handcuffs, but not before being called a “young punk.”

Refusing to take a blood alcohol test, the suspect was transported to Santa Barbara County Jail for a forced blood draw. He did later apologize for his actions and voluntarily submitted a blood test. He did not ever finish his dinner.

HOME AGAIN, HOME AGAIN:
A near collision into a police vehicle on the night of May 29 led to a night in jail for a local man.

As a deputy cruised eastbound on Sandyland Road near midnight, he noticed a car turning on to Sandyland from Linden Avenue. The officer was forced to veer out of the path of the turning SUV in order to avoid a collision. Having narrowly escaped a fender bender, the officer rerouted his course and followed the erratically driven SUV.

The SUV turned into a condo complex and the deputy followed. He approached the driver as the man started to exit the vehicle, and the officer told him he had almost hit the sheriff’s car. To this, the driver responded something along the lines of “I’m home.” He then told officers where he’d been coming from, “home.” When asked to clarify, he said he was coming from home and at home.

Complementing his confused answers, the man’s appearance also spoke of confusion and, perhaps, one too many drinks. His eyes were red and watery, and he emitted an alcoholic aroma. He told the deputy that he had consumed two vodka drinks.

The officer failed to get much of a response to his further questions and noted in the report that the man appeared to be “in a trance as he stared at my vehicle’s spotlight.”

Field sobriety tests were performed poorly, and the man was asked to submit a breath test. His blood alcohol content registered at 0.25 percent and 0.26 percent—test results that earned him a trip to county jail.

BEARDED CHOCOHOLIC:
Although valued at just 59 cents, a stolen donut amounts to a misdemeanor. When a grocery store manager on Linden Avenue reportedly witnessed a frequent store loiterer chow on a donut in the store on May 22, she reportedly confronted him and gathered further evidence by noting that the alleged thief, 33, had smeared chocolate frosting into his unkempt beard. In describing the situation, the manager said the lost merchandise was worth less than a buck, but since she’d confronted the man—he didn’t acknowledge her and kept walking—she didn’t want him to get off scot-free and set a precedent that could lead to repeat offenses.

Armed with a description of the suspect, deputies identified the man a few blocks from the scene of the crime, and the man, who was later discovered to be a drifter from Pennsylvania, had yet to wipe the chocolate from his beard. For his part, the man denied eating any merchandise in the store, but his topic of conversation soon devolved into conspiracy theories and claims that he was being tracked by several arms of the law, including the CIA.

Deputies brought the store manager in to identify the man. After a positive ID, the man was brought to jail for stealing a donut.

CRUISING WITHOUT A CAUSE::
A man accused of a laundry list of moving violations tried to reason that it was logically impossible for him to have been speeding on Highway 101 on May 19, but his argument didn’t pass muster, particularly when presented alongside his alleged operating without a license, insurance, registration and with an open container of alcohol in the vehicle.

The vehicle operated by the man first caught a deputy’s eye when it was reportedly traveling 75 to 80 mph and maneuvering between lanes without turn signals. When pulled over at Padaro Lane at about 11:15 a.m., the driver, 46, explained that he disagreed with the deputy’s assessment that he had been speeding. The driver said he was leisurely cruising and headed to the beach, a variety of driving that doesn’t lend itself to speeding.

However, he reportedly contradicted his own story and insulted the officer when continuing to speak. Adding to his story, the man said the reason he continued to speed with the officer in tow was that he surmised it was just a rent-a-cop, not an officer of the Santa Barbara County Sheriff’s Department. He then admitted to several other traffic violations including lack of insurance, an expired registration and a suspended license.

The deputy detected a hint of alcohol on the man’s breath, and the forthright driver admitted to consuming a few beers but not enough to intoxicate him. On roadside examinations, the driver reportedly performed well enough to convince the deputy that he was not impaired. He would have been fine to drive if not for having none of the paperwork legally required to operate a motor vehicle. The deputy also learned that the man’s driving privilege had been suspended from a prior DUI, and the man had a partially full beer in the car, along with several empties.

The man was cited for utter lack of paperwork, and the vehicle was towed away for a 30-day impound due to being operated by a suspended driver.

OTHER REPORTS:
Driving under the influence: Nipomo Drive
Possession of methamphetamine paraphernalia: Hickory Street
Possession of synthetic narcotics: Via Real
Public intoxication: 8th Street, Linden Avenue
Theft: Santa Monica Road, Carpinteria Avenue
Under the influence of controlled substance: Carpinteria Avenue, Lillie Avenue
Vandalism: Concha Loma Drive
Warrant arrest: Casitas Pass Road, Linden Avenue, Azalea Drive, Ortega Hill Road

BIKING WITH A WEDGY:
A man pulled over by sheriff’s deputies for biking at night without a light and on the wrong side of 9th Street was later discovered to have flashy taste in underpants, an open bottle of beer and an illegally scratched off serial number on his bicycle.

The encounter began when the deputy pulled over the bike rider, 34, for the moving violations just after midnight on May 13. Perhaps to his own demise, the bike rider agreed to let the deputy look into his backpack, a search that led to a thorough investigation.

Items of interest in the backpack started with an assortment of women’s panties. The panty collector referred to his hoard as “mementos” from past girlfriends. The deputy noted that in addition to the many mementos from previous conquests, the man had on a particularly flashy pink G-string. Also, the man’s backpack contained a pornographic magazine.

The panties and porn may have clued deputies in to the bike rider’s personality, but the items aren’t illegal. However, a three-quarters full, 32-ounce bottle of beer in the man’s backpack was considered an illegal open container of alcohol in public. Additionally, the deputy discovered that the bicycle was not properly licensed with the city. Upon further investigation, it was discovered that the serial numbers were etched off, most likely intentionally.

The cooperative bike rider admitted to knowing that the serial numbers had been tampered with, and also that he knew removing serial numbers wasn’t right. He said the person who gave him the bike had done the serial number scratching. Even though he didn’t admit to doing the scratching, he knowingly possessed an unlicensed bicycle with scratched off serial numbers, so he was brought to jail for the alleged crime.

HOTDOG HIT MAN:
A man suspected of attempting to steal a hotdog at a Casitas Pass Road convenience store was tracked down and eventually arrested for other outstanding warrants on May 11. Deputies were called to investigate an incident where a store employee confronted the man, 29, for trying to make off with a hotdog without paying. After hearing the store employee describe the man, deputies were able to locate him lingering near to the scene of the alleged crime. He denied any wrong doing, but deputies discovered he was wanted on two other outstanding warrants. The store employee ultimately declined to press charges for attempted burglary or for what was described as a battery because the employee was allegedly struck by the hotdog. The suspect was brought to jail for the warrants.

OTHER REPORTS:
Burglary: Avenue Del Mar, Sawyer
Delaying officer: Carpinteria Avenue
Possession of marijuana: Bailard Avenue
Public intoxication: Elm Avenue
Theft: Olive Street, Ash Avenue, Greenwell Avenue, Casitas Pass Road
Warrant arrest: El Carro Lane

CUSTOMER FROM HELL:
A man accused of being aggressive with staff at a Linden Avenue restaurant on the evening of May 7 was brought to jail for suspicion of public intoxication. When deputies arrived at the restaurant, they reportedly walked in to see the suspect, 25, wagging a finger in the bartender’s face and standing so close that the bartender, who was not behind the bar, had his back against the bar. Deputies would later learn that the man had been cut off from ordering more drinks and wasn’t happy about it.

The man was brought outside, where deputies noted that he smelled strongly of alcohol, had red eyes and was not cooperative. When speaking to deputies, the man also reportedly paused for long breaks—even mid sentence—to close his eyes and take deep breaths. Finding the man’s habit of basking in the night air suspicious, deputies questioned whether he had popped any prescription medication in addition to the two bottles of sake the man admitted to consuming at the restaurant. The man said he’d taken his anti-anxiety medication, and when questioned further about mixing it with alcohol, the man conceded that the pills amplify the effects of alcohol and combining the two was probably a bad idea. A search of the man’s backpack revealed that anti-anxiety medication might not have been the end of his pill-popping menu; he possessed an emptied painkiller container.

Questioned about the circumstances of the man’s outburst at the restaurant, the restaurant owner said it started when the bartender decided it wouldn’t be a good idea to continue to fuel the intoxicated customer. The customer became upset, and the situation was exacerbated when restaurant personnel brought the dinner bill to expedite the angry customer’s exodus. He claimed to have been overcharged. Hoping to end the situation, an item was removed from the dinner bill to placate the customer, but it didn’t work. A few minutes later, deputies walked in to see the man belligerently berating the bartender.

The man was brought to jail on suspicion of public intoxication.

STAIRWAY TO JAIL:
A woman claiming to have written the song “All of my love” by Led Zepplin was arrested for playing the song too loudly in her hotel room and trespassing at the Carpinteria Avenue hotel after being kicked off the property and refusing to leave.

When deputies arrived to investigate after 3 a.m. on May 4, they approached the room and could hear the Led Zepplin tune blaring through the hallway. Hotel staff had already asked that the woman turn it down, and she reportedly complied, only to turn it back up moments later. Staff called deputies for help.

Deputies knocked at the hotel room door, and after two minutes the woman answered. However, when the woman saw a lawman at the door, she reportedly tried to push it closed. The deputy was quicker to the draw and jammed the door open with his foot.

In the room, deputies told the woman the music was too loud. She said volume was not an issue since she’d written the Led Zepplin song along with her husband. To emphasize how much power she had over the volume of her song, the woman walked to the radio and turned up the volume. Deputies noted that the woman smelled strongly of alcohol, and that her face was recognizable from being ejected from a beach rental earlier in the week.

To end the disturbance, hotel staff ordered the woman off the property, but she refused to budge. She owned the place, and more specifically the beds that the rest of the guests were sleeping in, she said. Deputies eventually removed the woman from the hotel in handcuffs, and she was brought to jail on suspicion of trespassing.

OTHER REPORTS:
Burglary: Via Real
Driving under the influence: Casitas Pass Road
Probation violation: Carpinteria Avenue
Public intoxication: Linden Avenue (2)
Theft: Cravens Lane, Casitas Pass Road
Trespassing: Casitas Pass Road
Vandalism: El Carro Lane, Chaparral Drive, 9th Street
Warrant arrest: El Carro Lane

ASSAULTING CHILDREN'S EARS:
A man stumbling around on Linden Avenue on April 28 at around 6:40 p.m. drew the attention of deputies and many pedestrians, who claimed the man had a bad habit of talking to passersby and making them uncomfortable. When deputies stopped the man, 49, they immediately suspected he was highly intoxicated. A search of the man revealed that he possessed two open pint bottles of vodka. And while interviewing the man to determine if he could be left alone in public, a father approached the deputies to offer his input. The father said the man intruded on a family dinner at a restaurant and “verbally assaulted” the man and his family. The allegedly intoxicated nuisance was arrested for public intoxication.

CAMERAMAN SEES DOUBLE:
The peace was allegedly disturbed at a movie set on Sandyland Avenue when a cameraman showed up to work intoxicated. The cameraman, 41, was reportedly ejected from the set, and when he drove away, witnesses reported him for driving drunk. The vehicle and its allegedly intoxicated driver were sequestered on Linden Avenue at around 3:10 p.m. on April 28, and the driver reportedly emitted a strong odor of alcohol. He told deputies he’d had a couple of drinks, but a breath test result of .334—more than four times the legal limit—indicated that he may have lost track after a couple. The man was brought to jail on suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol.

A METHOD TO HER MADNESS:
Deputies discovered that a motel guest on Carpinteria Avenue had a warrant for her arrest and in the process of apprehending her caught her allegedly trying to ditch some meth in the toilet at about 11 a.m. on April 28. At the motel room door, deputies alerted the woman, 30, that she had an outstanding warrant and that they’d be taking her to jail. The woman appeared prepared to face the music, but according to reports suddenly shrunk back into the room and entered the bathroom, explaining that she needed to change clothes. Caught off guard, deputies attempted to catch up to her, but by the time they got to the bathroom door, the woman was already exiting. A glimpse into the toilet bowl revealed a plastic baggy that deputies recognized as the type used to contain drugs. Upon discovering a meth pipe in the woman’s purse, deputies surmised that the baggie in the toilet likely contained meth that had dissolved in the toilet water. The woman said she’d entered the bathroom to take off a pair of dirty underwear before going to jail. She was arrested for the warrant and possession of the meth pipe and meth.

OTHER REPORTS:
Driving under the influence: 8th Street
Prowling: Andrea Street
Public intoxication: Ash Avenue
Theft: Cindy Lane, Via Real
Trespassing: Sandyland Road

JESUS RETURNS -- AS A WOMAN:
Deputies arrested a woman at Lookout Park in Summerland after she allegedly fled from imagined pursuers on the beach and hopped into a truck that was operated by a volunteer at the park at around 4:30 p.m. on April 24. According to deputies’ reports, the woman, 19, was suspected of being under the influence of meth and would later confide to a deputy that she is Jesus.

The incident began when a volunteer with Santa Barbara County Park was driving a marked county truck from Summerland Beach up to Lookout Park. The meth suspect ran toward the truck and hopped into the passenger’s seat. She quickly explained that people were after her and wished her harm. The driver scanned the area but could not perceive a single pursuer. Thinking her new passenger suffered paranoid delusions, the driver phoned sheriff’s deputies.

Deputies arrived and observed more unusual behavior and symptoms of stimulant use—rapid speech, pinpoint pupils and a heart rate of 115 beats per minute. The woman, who was speaking unintelligibly, deputies noted, was arrested for suspicion of being under the influence of drugs. The woman reportedly admitted to having snorted meth a couple of day earlier in San Pedro before hitting the road to Santa Barbara with friends. She was unaware where the friends were and hadn’t slept for at least one day.

At the jail, the woman told a deputy that she wanted to level with him. She then confided that she was a living, breathing re-incarnation of Jesus. She was booked on allegations of being under the influence of meth, but the report did not mention any charges of defrauding Jesus.

GETTING HIS KICKS:
A deputy was called to Carpinteria State Beach to assist with a State Parks Ranger in pursuit of a wanted juvenile on the beach. When the deputy arrived, the ranger had already caught up to the boy, 17, and had placed him in handcuffs. The deputy would reportedly witness a first-hand experience of the boy’s thirst for violence.

According to the deputy’s report, the boy’s face was recognizable from prior contacts at juvenile court. The boy, who was wanted for absconding from a boy’s camp, denied having ever been in contact with the deputy. He gave the deputy a different name, and also challenged the deputy to a fight. The deputy pointed out that the boy was at a disadvantage because his hands were cuffed behind his back.

In time, the boy saw an opening for attack. He reportedly charged the deputy and kicked him on the inside, upper thigh. The deputy quickly pounced on the boy and controlled him in a headlock before the deputy and ranger wrestled the boy to the ground. After the dust settled, the deputy reportedly asked the boy if he was through fighting. The boy reportedly replied: “Yeah, I’m good now. I got my kick in.” The boy was arrested for the assault and his prior charge.

OTHER REPORTS:
Burglary (residential): Vallecito Road
Driving under the influence: Santa Monica Road
Possession of synthetic narcotics: Evan Street
Theft: Via Real, 8th Street
Warrant arrest: Bailard Avenue

HIGH ON LOVE:
A woman found whimpering and laying in some bushes on Camino Trillado was reportedly fearful of hallucinated perils on April 15. Deputies discovered the woman, 19, at around 8:30 p.m. after a friend of hers had phoned police to report that the woman was hysterical but more likely due to drug use than to the weapons and attackers of which she spoke. After arresting the woman, deputies would discover that the woman’s heightened emotions didn’t end at her paranoia about being attacked, she is immensely in love with a boy and fearful that the boy’s family will tear the young couple apart.

Upon encountering the girl, deputies recognized her as the girlfriend to a 16-year-old juvenile chronic runaway who allegedly had just recently fled the area with the girl. She said that he had ridden off on a bicycle, but she was in imminent danger from nearby residents and an unoccupied vehicle. Deputies noted the woman exhibited several signs of being under the influence of a stimulant—unresponsive pupils, fidgety behavior, rapid speech—and that she would change subjects frequently, rather than explaining her incomprehensible fits. This behavior was explained by the discovery of what deputies suspected was a meth pipe in the girl’s possession.

Following up on the woman’s claims of being assaulted at a nearby residence, deputies questioned a 19-year-old man. The woman had small cuts on her ankle, which she said she sustained after being bludgeoned with the man’s bong. The man said the woman and her boyfriend had visited his house, where he was in the process of moving out, and he didn’t want them around so he told them to leave. He never hit anyone with a bong. Deputies did not arrest the man.

The woman was brought to jail, where according to deputies reports, her behavior became more bizarre. A deputy attempted to unzip her sweatshirt in order to check the pockets of her undershirt for illegal items, and she reportedly reacted badly to the physical contact, explaining she didn’t want a man touching her. The woman was then uncuffed and instructed to unzip her own sweatshirt and demonstrate that there was nothing in the pockets of her undershirt. She reportedly was poor at following instructions and fiddled with the pockets rather than revealing their contents.

It then appeared like the woman removed an item from her pocket and was attempting sleight of hand to conceal it from deputies. A deputy grabbed her wrist, and the woman reportedly went limp and fell to the ground. Lying on the ground, the woman reportedly placed her item-containing hand under her torso, leading deputies to believe there might be drugs in the hand.

The woman, however, said her hand contained a piece of paper, on which a secret phone number for her boyfriend was written. If the boy’s grandmother discovered the number, she might destroy the phone, claimed the woman. Furthermore, the grandmother might try to press kidnapping charges. The woman told deputies she would place the phone number under the floor so nobody would ever find it. Eventually, deputies lifted the woman off the floor but found no slip of paper and no phone number.

Deputies had located the boy and driven him back to his grandmother’s house while processing the woman at jail. The woman was arrested for possession of drug paraphernalia, being under the influence of drugs and resisting arrest.

AFTER, AFTER, AFTER PARTY:
A man claiming that he was rudely awakened by an intruder in his home phoned police after the intruder allegedly punched him in the face on Via Real on the morning of April 13. The complicated part of the story told to sheriff’s deputies was that the victim reportedly offered the alleged intruder a ride home at 7 a.m., and it wasn’t until they were in the car that the alleged intruder punched the victim, according to deputies’ reports. The alleged intruder claimed that he and the alleged victim had partied together all night, an admission that may have led deputies to arresting the alleged intruder for public intoxication.

The victim, 61, told deputies he was in bed with his wife when he was awakened by sudden noise in the living room. He went to see what the commotion was and discovered a man, 25. The alleged intruder said he needed a ride to his nearby home, so the resident agreed to help a man in need.

During the car ride, the driver reportedly allowed the passenger to use his cell phone, and that’s when the situation got hairy. When finished with his call, the passenger reportedly refused to return the phone. The driver pulled over and attempted to grab the phone. The passenger then reportedly said, “Let it go or I’m going to sock you in the face.” When the driver didn’t let go, the passenger socked him in the face. The driver was able to push the passenger out the door, but the passenger managed to take the driver’s shirt with him. Once the passenger was outside, the driver phoned 9-1-1.

Deputies interviewed the suspect, who hadn’t fled. They noted that the man seemed highly intoxicated. He said that it all started at the Radiohead concert the previous evening. He and the man were both there and attended an after party on Padaro Lane. The men left the party together, but the alleged victim made unwanted sexual passes at the suspect. The suspect said he couldn’t recall what happened after that.

Although he had bruises on his face to back up his claims, the alleged victim did not wish to press charges for the assault. .

Since the suspect was intoxicated to the point that he was reportedly having trouble communicating, deputies arrested him for public intoxication.

OTHER REPORTS:
Burglary: Arozena Lane
Driving under the influence: Casitas Pass Road
Public intoxication: Carpinteria Avenue
Theft: 8th Street, Foothill Road, Rincon Road, Sandyland Road
Warrant arrest: Myra Street, Casitas Pass Road, Via Real, Padaro Lane, Foothill Road, Carpinteria Avenue
Vandalism: Foothill Road

THINGS THAT GO JOG IN THE NIGHT:
A man jogging down Via Real shirtless and in a pair of jeans after midnight caught the attention of deputies on April 7. Since the man elected not to wear running shorts or shoes, deputies thought his jog was likely in flight from danger inspired by drugs or alcohol.

First deputies pulled up next to the man and shined a spotlight on him. The running man, 33, reportedly responded by breaking stride and throwing his hands up and walking toward deputies.

Asked why he jogged in jeans, the man said he decided to not drive due to consuming alcohol, and that he was a conditioned runner who jogged six miles per day. He was headed to a nearby residence where he was going to meet his girlfriend, but he had just been in an argument with her. Deputies noted that the man seemed highly intoxicated.

Deputies then witnessed the man having a phone conversation with his girlfriend, during which it was established that they’d reconciled and he could go to her residence.

The woman then arrived on scene, and deputies turned their focus on her. Since she’d arrived so quickly, they thought she probably drove and parked out of sight. At issue was her suspected level
of intoxication.

However, when deputies asked the woman if she’d been driving drunk, the man reportedly became irate and said that deputies “didn’t scare him with (their) silly badges.” The outbursts led to deputies arresting the man for alleged public intoxication and interference with their duties, but he was not going down easy. He reportedly took a fighting stance and said “go ahead shoot me,” before deputies drew their tasers and gave the man a 5-second jolt. The electrical injection sent the man to the ground, but asked
again to submit to arrest, he refused.

Deputies sent another dose of current into the man, and that reportedly settled him down for a moment. He was arrested and
put in the squad car.

The man reportedly recovered his energy in the car and bucked all the way to the hospital, where he was treated for minor wounds sustained from the taser prongs piercing his torso. Eventually the man was booked for suspicion of public intoxication and resisting arrest.

LOUD EXHAUST LEADS TO CRACK ARREST:
A woman pulled over for driving a car with an illegally modifi ed muffler on Casitas Pass Road on April 7 was eventually arrested for the drugs on the interior of the vehicle rather than the
noise-polluting exhaust pipe.

Deputies recognized the woman driver, 33, from a prior traffi c stop related to the loud exhaust system. In her defense, the woman said she wanted to fix it but didn’t have the money. However, when
the woman was explaining herself, deputies detected jitteriness, rapid speech and constrained pupils that are symptomatic
of stimulant use. Asked if she was hopped up on drugs, the woman said no, and to prove it, she agreed to provide a urine sample. She went into the restroom of a nearby coffee shop where she peed in a cup. Instant urine analysis revealed that cocaine was likely present in the woman’s system.

Deputies then gained consent to search the vehicle. The woman said nothing illegal—to her knowledge—was in the car, but the man in the passenger’s seat was a stranger, so she couldn’t say what he might have placed in the car. The only
reason she’d left home was to give the man a ride after she encountered him wandering through the parking lot of her apartment complex in search of a lift, she explained.

Under the driver’s seat, deputies discovered a rock of suspected cocaine. The woman was transported to jail on suspicion of possession of cocaine.

Other reports:
Possession of marijuana: Via Real
Under the influence of a controlled
substance: Carpinteria Avenue
Warrant arrest: El Carro Lane

GENERATION GAP:
Sheriff’s deputies were called to intervene in a reported fight between a grandmother and a grandson on April 1. The boy’s mother called to report that the grandmother had gripped her son’s neck at the Via Real residence the trio shared. Grandma, however, said the boy choked her. Neither party was arrested, nor were they injured, but a vodka bottle reportedly got the worst of the conflict. It was smashed on the floor.

According to sheriff’s reports, the boy’s mother called to say the grandma had assaulted her son sometime after 8 p.m. They were arguing because the grandma, 60, didn’t want to boy, 16, sharing a residence with her anymore. At some point in the war of words, grandma attempted to ring the neck of the boy, according to the mother. After they broke it up, the boy reportedly wandered into the grandma’s bedroom, where he emptied out a bottle of vodka. When grandma found the emptied bottle, she reportedly wigged out and tossed it over a balcony onto the floor. That’s when deputies were called.

For her part, the grandma denied going for the throat or intending any harm—other than to the vodka bottle—during the incident. She countered that the boy, in fact, had strangled her. She was really annoyed by the diminishing of her vodka supply, so she smashed the bottle, but steered clear of hitting anyone with it.

Neither party opted to press charges, and since there were no visible injuries, deputies filed a report with the district attorney’s office and made no arrests.

IT'S YOUR PARTY, I'LL SCRATCH YOUR CAR IF I WANT TO:
A man complained to sheriff’s deputies that a bitter ex-girlfriend scratched the hood of his car with a set of keys while attending a party he was hosting on the evening of March 23 on Foothill Road. The victim of the car vandalism, 22, said that his friend witnessed the whole thing, but the suspect, 21, said she had no idea what the victim and witness were talking about.

According to sheriff’s reports, the witness was outside the party when he saw the suspect walk out. She stood over the victim’s car and allegedly motioned her arms violently toward the car. The witness then confronted her and noticed keys in her hand and a scratch on the car. He reportedly said, “No you didn’t.” She was lashing out, the witness surmised, because she had witnessed the ex-boyfriend kissing another girl.

Deputies then tracked down the suspect. She found the accusation ridiculous, commenting that the motivation for scratching the car didn’t add up since she and the man had split two years ago. She also said the victim and witness were on a drinking marathon that day from 3 p.m. to 3 a.m. At around 2 a.m., she recalled, she walked out of the party and to her car escorted by a man. They talked for a period of time in her car before he exited and she drove home. At no point did she see the reported witness to the alleged vandalism or commit the vandalism.

Deputies forwarded the report to the DAs office, noting there were no further witnesses or evidence.

OTHER REPORTS:
Public intoxication: Calle Dia, Via Real, Ogan Road
Theft: Cindy Lane, Vallecito Road
Threats: Holly Avenue

HELTER SKELTER:
A woman having a hard time finding a place to live was kicked off her brother’s property before being ejected from a hotel—both times landing in a jail cell. According to reports from her two arrests, one occurring in Summerland and one in Carpinteria, the woman, 62, aggravated multiple parties until they asked for law enforcement intervention to have her removed.

The woman’s brother first contacted deputies on March 23 to report a squatter in one of his homes. Deputies learned that the squatter was his sister, and she was persistent in her attempt to reside on the brother’s property. She had been an invited resident and employee for a period of time, but according to the brother, 67, the sibling relationship wore thin when the woman stopped taking her meds and consumed too much alcohol.

When the brother had had enough, he discontinued the sister’s employment and kicked her out of her residence. However, he didn’t successfully uproot her from the property. She reportedly wandered into a separate dwelling on the property—a large, multi-residence estate with addresses both on Lambert Road and on Foothill Road—and made herself at home.

Deputies located the woman in the home where the brother said she’d be and noted that linens were on the bed and food was in the pantry. And, she admitted to having moved in. She said it was legitimately her residence per a rental agreement and payment she’d made to the brother. She even had a roommate.

Asked about the rental paperwork, the woman said she didn’t have it handy. It was at a friend’s house in Goleta, and she could get a copy later in the day. Furthermore, the woman reportedly said, if the brother had not received the agreement and payment in the mail, it wasn’t her problem.

Meanwhile, the brother denied the sister’s claims. He demanded that the sister be arrested for trespassing.

Deputies returned to the sister’s location, where she was visible inside through a window, and knocked at the door. However, when deputies knocked, she wouldn’t answer. Through the door, she told deputies she wouldn’t be able to let them in due to not feeling well. Deputies had a locksmith with them, and told her if she didn’t open up, the locksmith would gain entry. The woman still refused and the locksmith had to open the door. While the locksmith was figuring out the lock, the woman reportedly dialed 9-1-1 to notify authorities of the intruders. Once able to access the house, deputies gathered some of the woman’s belongings and transported her to jail for trespassing and vagrancy.

Then on March 25, a Carpinteria Avenue hotel employee phoned the sheriff’s department to complain of a hotel guest who was making unreasonable requests—like asking for rides to stores—and being a general nuisance to staff and other guests. The employee said the volume of calls was taxing staff to the point that they could not get their work done and that the guest was not welcome anymore and needed to be evicted.

Investigating the situation, deputies learned it was the woman who’d been arrested for squatting at her brother’s place and released from jail. Knocking at the hotel room door, deputies received the same treatment they received on the prior occasion. The woman wouldn’t answer. She wasn’t dressed, she said, and would need some time to bathe and call a taxi.

A deputy specifically instructed her to not bathe. She could have ten minutes to get dressed and gather her things, and then she’d need to leave, the deputy said. The woman exceeded the ten minutes and insisted that she’d need a shower before she was ready to leave. Since the door was deadboldted shut, deputies waited it out, until at the 45-minute mark, the woman opened the door, saying the taxi had arrived.

Deputies arrested the woman for trespassing and for delaying them unnecessarily in the execution of their duties. The woman was brought back to jail.

OTHER REPORTS:
Driving under the influence: Linden Avenue
Public intoxication: Via Real
Vandalism: Foothill Road
Warrant arrest: Via Real

MESS IN THE KITCHEN:
A father/son pair of martial artists bickered over spilled breakfast on the morning of March 20, leading to the son allegedly kicking the father in the face at a Vallecito Place residence, according to reports from the sheriff’s department. The father, 63, reported the kick to the face to authorities, and in his defense, the son, 31, who was reportedly intoxicated, said the father was a lethal weapon in his own right and technically should not be considered an assault victim because he is a revered fighter who could have fought back and won.

Deputies arrived to investigate the assault accusation at about 7 a.m. and found what looked like breakfast gone bad. Cooking oil was spilled on the kitchen floor and an open egg carton was littered on the counter, noted deputies.

The father said he woke up to the son making a mess out of the kitchen. The father had ongoing gripes about the son’s behavior and scolded the son for spilling the oil and not cleaning it up. Offended by the father’s vexation, the son reportedly challenged the father to a fight. The father noted to deputies that he had trained the son in martial arts, and the son proposed a match of skills that morning.

Thinking the son was drunk and unruly, the father ignored him and began to mop up the floor. Then, according to the father, the son suddenly kicked him in the face. Figuring the kick would egg the father on, the son reportedly went into another room and continued to challenge the father to fight, but the father dismissed the son’s aggression. The son then reportedly went into his bedroom and fought the door. He punched a hole through the door and went to sleep.

After taking the father’s statement, deputies awakened the son, who proved to be a more difficult interview to comprehend. The son was likely intoxicated and spoke in fragmented spurts. Deputies noted that the son said the father could beat all of them if he chose to do so, and that he just wanted to go to sleep. Also, the son insisted that it was “mutual combat.”

The father, reportedly fed up with the son’s years of shenanigans, demanded charges be pressed. Deputies arrested the son for suspicion of assault.

“SPUNNED OUT”
An Ogan Road resident reported that a paranoid man wandered into his home on March 17. The mysterious man, who was uninvited and confused, said he was fearful that a gun-brandishing hit man was chasing him, so the resident called sheriff’s deputies to report what he first though was an incident of a gunman on the loose.

Further investigation by deputies revealed that the situation was more likely a case of a man on drugs hallucinating a gunman on the loose. The Ogan Road resident had been minding his own business at nearly 9 p.m. when he was startled by his dogs barking and an unknown man entering his home without consent. The resident convinced the intruder, who was reportedly sweating profusely, fidgeting and talkative, to have a seat and wait for law officers.

When deputies arrived, they immediately suspected that the intruder was high and hallucinating. He admitted to marijuana use earlier in the day on top of meth a few days earlier. Deputies learned that the paranoid intruder was on parole, so they detained him. Also, deputies contacted a relative of the man, and the relative forthrightly said that the suspect was probably just on drugs.

Then, when in lockup at the sheriff’s station, the suspect momentarily came back to reality. He asked deputies if he had been hallucinating, and they said yes. The man reportedly laughed and commented that he was “spunned out.” Deputies arrested the man for allegedly violating his parole by using drugs. While being transported in the back of a squad car, the man reportedly pointed out the numerous vehicles in traffic that had been maliciously stalking him all day.

OTHER REPORTS:
Assault: Franciscan Court, Via Real
Driving under the influence: 7th Street, Cravens Lane, 8th Street
Vandalism: Palm Avenue
Warrant arrest: Carpinteria Avenue (2), Via Real

PARKING SPOT SPAT:
Five people in their early 20s were reportedly involved in a violent dispute over a parking spot on Elm Lane on March 11, but each person’s account differed so much from the next that deputies could not distinguish between aggressors and victims.

According to a 23-year-old woman deputies identified as being involved in the reported fracas, a verbal argument occurred over a car parked in a designated spot. The woman heard the argument, so she exited her residence to jump to a friend’s aid. Thinking she’d settle things, the woman reportedly told the rival group to “shut the f#$@ up!” The uncouth command allegedly earned her a punch to the face and stomach from another woman at the scene. The alleged victim of the punches requested medical attention because she was one-month pregnant. Deputies called an ambulance.

Other parties sang a different tune, saying the reportedly pregnant woman landed a punch of her own. It all started when a man pulled up to a residence and parked in the wrong spot. According to the wrong-spot parker, he was met by three people when he exited his car, and they all told him to move it. He refused. When aggressively asked to move the vehicle, the man reportedly went back into the vehicle and retrieved a baseball bat, but never brandished it like a weapon, according to him.

According to the man whose parking spot was stolen, he returned home from work to find another car in his stall, so he demanded that it be moved. His demands were not met, and he ended up getting punched by the pregnant woman and choked from behind with the bat wielded by the parking-spot stealer.

Since the stories didn’t add up and nobody was seriously injured, deputies filed a report, took the bat as evidence and made no arrests.

PITCHFORK SHIELD
A man who does not like early morning disturbances had a rude awakening at about 10 a.m. when he found that a pitchfork had been planted in the windshield of his truck on Walnut Avenue on March 11.

Recounting the sequence of events leading up to the pitchfork discovery, the man said the first odd occurrence happened at around 6 a.m. when he heard a loud bang and his dog began barking. In time, the dog settled down, so the man chalked up the bang to a door slamming at a nearby building.

Then at 8 a.m., somebody knocked for a minute at the man’s door. He surmised it couldn’t be too important on a Sunday morning so he ignored it. At about 10 a.m., he exited his residence and saw the pitchfork impaled into his windshield. In addition to the windshield, the driver’s side window was smashed, but nothing was stolen.

In reporting the crime to deputies, the man said he hadn’t an inkling who would do such a thing. Nobody held a serious grudge against him, and he didn’t owe anybody money.

Inspecting the scene, deputies discovered a woman’s wallet near the truck. It was likely the wallet belonged to the person who knocked at the door, not the perpetrator, the victim commented. Then the deputy took a look around and saw a truck with equipment in the rear similar to the pitchfork and had a hunch a perpetrator may have removed the pitchfork from that truck before hurling it through the victim’s windshield.

Tracking down the truck owner, the hunch was confirmed. The pitchfork was returned to the neighbor. Then the wallet owner returned to the scene, verifying that she’d left behind the wallet when trying to notify the pitchfork victim. No suspect leads were listed in the report.

OTHER REPORTS:
Assault: Elm Lane
Attempted burglary: El Carro Lane
Driving with suspended license: Carpinteria Avenue
Sales/mfg. synthetic narcotics: Linden Avenue
Public intoxication: Carpinteria Avenue
Vandalism: Walnut Avenue
Vehicle tampering: 9th Street

PHARMACY ON WHEELS:
A deputy on patrol at about 9:30 p.m. on March 4 pulled over a suspicious vehicle occupied by four reportedly suspicious people allegedly possessing a collection of syringes and a small assortment of illegal substances, including heroin, steroids and a pain killer.

The vehicle and its occupants first caught a deputy’s attention when the vehicle allegedly rolled through a stop sign while entering Highway 101 Southbound from Casitas Pass Road. Then, with a patrol vehicle in tow, the vehicle reportedly had trouble remaining between the lines on the freeway, so the deputy initiated a traffic stop at the Bailard Avenue off ramp.

Once the deputy had the car safely off the freeway, he investigated its occupants, noting that the male driver, 31, and a male passenger, 36, were both recognizable. The driver had been a subject of narcotics investigations before, and the passenger was a familiar face from county jail. Also conspicuous, the driver reportedly was fiddling around inside the vehicle as if he was attempting to stash something. The deputy found that both men were on probation. There were also two women in the car.

Since the men were probationers, the deputy elected to search the vehicle. However, one of the women insisted that her purse be spared from the probation search.

Inside the vehicle, the deputy discovered a syringe containing what appeared to be residue from a white crystal substance. Also, there was a vial of testosterone.

The presence of illegal drugs gave the deputy probable cause to then inspect the purse. Inside the purse two more syringes were discovered, these ones with brown residue, along with cotton balls and burnt spoons—items associated with heroin injection. According to the purse owner, she was holding the items for somebody else that wasn’t in the vehicle. Deputies noted she had injection “track” marks on her arms. Asked if she had anything else illegal on her person, the woman first said no and then relented, saying she had a pain pill in her bra that she’d recently found on the ground. She handed it over too.

Deputies cited the driver for running the stop sign and possession of steroids and the purse woman for possession of narcotics and paraphernalia. Each person was released at the scene.

STOPPING THE PARTY BUS:
A vehicle parked in the red zone with its lights on and partially obstructing traffic at the intersection of Bailard and Carpinteria avenues got a visit from a deputy at about 9:15 p.m. on March 3. When walking up to the driver’s window, the deputy first noted that the woman driver was boisterously laughing. Then, upon getting a whiff of the vehicle’s interior, the deputy detected the odor of alcohol. Asked why the vehicle was parked like it was, the driver, 45, said she and her two passengers had been at a restaurant and were deciding what to do next.

Since the deputy suspected the woman wasn’t fit to drive, she was asked to get out of the vehicle to conduct roadside sobriety tests. Before commencing the exam, the deputy reportedly asked the driver to step back and observe her parking job and to describe what was wrong with it. In what the officer noted was a drastic understatement, the woman reportedly commented that the vehicle was simply a bit too far from the curb. The deputy noted that in addition to being way too far from the curb, the vehicle was slanted out so that it was hanging into the traffic lane.

A breath test result of .165 further raised the deputy’s suspicions, and he arrested the driver for suspicion of driving under the influence of alcohol. The other two vehicle occupants were released at the scene and the vehicle was secured and parked in a nearby lot.

OTHER REPORTS:
Possession of opium or cocaine: Carpinteria Avenue
Vandalism: Jay Street, Eleanor Drive
Warrant arrest: Carpinteria Avenue, Casitas Pass Road

SEEING STARS:
Three young men parked on a private ranch claimed to have been out viewing the night sky, but deputies suspected that they had meandered off the beaten path to surreptitiously smoke marijuana on Feb. 26 just before 11 p.m.

Deputies were notified of trespassers at an avocado ranch, and the ranch tenant who reported the crime said he’d boxed the vehicle into the property by parking in the outlet route. He suspected that the trespassers were stealing avocados.

Investigating the situation, deputies found three 18-year-old men parked in a vehicle. The men said they had no interest in pilfering avocados, but the stars were brilliant from the rural vantage point so they parked.

Deputies smelled marijuana, and according to deputies’ reports, a small marijuana bud was visible on the backseat floorboard near one of the men’s foot. Asked about the detectable odor of marijuana emanating from the vehicle, the vehicle occupants reportedly admitted that they’d smoked a joint, and it was all they had.

When a deputy asked if he could search the vehicle, the owner said no. Citing probable cause due to the reported confession and odor, the deputy searched it anyway. Stashed in a tire-iron compartment in the backseat, the deputy reportedly found a nylon sack that contained a baggy with a small amount of marijuana, pipes, papers and lighter.

The vehicle owner was cited for possession, and one of the three men was permitted to drive the vehicle since he didn’t exhibit symptoms of being stoned.

CAMERA SHY:
Deputies first “examined” an iPhone and then detained a person outside a bar for attempting to video a public intoxication arrest on the evening of Feb. 24 on Carpinteria Avenue. The detained videographer was eventually released, but two others were arrested for suspicion of public intoxication at around 11:30 p.m.

The encounter between deputies and allegedly intoxicated people began when a patrolling deputy noticed what looked like two groups of people readying to fight out front of the bar, according to deputies’ reports.

However, when the deputy attempted to intervene, he found that the groups of people, one on each side of a doorway, were not about to rumble; nor were they interested in each other or even aware that they were forming what looked like two rival groups. One group was calmly smoking cigarettes, and the other was reportedly more raucous.

Deputies focused on the louder group and eventually on two standout individuals within the group. One man, 20, was reportedly slurring and unsteady so the deputy began to detain him. Seeing a friend being detained allegedly riled up a 22-year-old man, who then became a subject of a public intoxication detention himself.

In the meantime, the iPhone videographer began to point his phone at the situation. He was reportedly first warned to keep his distance, and then the deputy examined the phone for officer safety, according to the report. Eventually, the 25-year-old videographer and another 22-year-old were detained. The first two public intoxication suspects were arrested because they allegedly would have been incapable of taking care of themselves. The videographer and the second man were released.

OTHER REPORTS:
Motor vehicle theft: Via Real
Possession of marijuana: Foothill Road
Public intoxication: Carpinteria Avenue
Suspicious circumstances: Via Real
Theft: Pacific Village Drive
Vandalism: Eleanor Drive, Casitas Pass Road
Violating a restraining order: Via Real

ONE WOMAN'S TRASH:
A woman who reportedly had a hankering to see her annoying neighbor get put behind bars called deputies to report the only crime she had evidence of him committing—rummaging through her trash barrel—on Feb. 22 on Carpinteria Avenue. Apparently well versed in city ordinances, the woman informed deputies that she had video taped the neighbor violating the city’s law barring people from collecting waste without authorization.

An investigating deputy heard the woman’s side of the story and also interviewed the alleged waste collector. The suspect admitted to removing items from the neighbor’s recycling bin while it was at the roadside awaiting collection. Also noteworthy, he said, was that the neighbor has it out for him and is “mentally unstable” and “off her meds.” The suspect regretted the falling out he’d had with his neighbor after they’d formerly had a friendship centered on them both being vegetarians. That their fast friendship had deteriorated to the point that she was calling law enforcement was sad, he said. The suspect also agreed to attempt to rectify matters by returning the recyclables to the proper bin.

The deputy asked the complainant if she’d drop charges, but she said no. The deputy forwarded a report of the situation to the city attorney for review without making an arrest or issuing a citation.

TWO-FOR-ONE
In an unusual traffic stop, a deputy arrested both the driver and passenger for driving under the influence on 7th Street on Feb. 20 at about 4 p.m. A vigilant civilian called to report that he saw a truck stop on Carpinteria Avenue and that the driver and passenger swapped seats. Upon exiting the vehicle, reported the witness, the driver was stumbling drunk. The witness also recognized the driver as a habitual drinker.

The witness reportedly stayed in tow of the vehicle while it made a stop on Sawyer Avenue. Driver and passenger swapped again at that point, reported the witness.

Soon after, deputies arrived on scene and began investigating the drivers. Deputies immediately smelled alcohol, but the driver, 39, said he hadn’t been drinking. He was on pain pills for his back. The passenger had been drinking. Then the witness reported to the scene to positively identify both men for having been behind the wheel.

When asked why he swapped positions to the passenger seat, the passenger said he was driving poorly. He reportedly admitted to consuming eight or 10 beers and performed poorly on Field Sobriety Tests. He blew a .15 and was arrested for allegedly driving under the influence based on the eyewitness account of him driving.

The occupant of the driver’s seat during the traffic stop was extremely lethargic and reportedly had consumed a double dose of his prescribed oxcycodone. He said the pills had confused him and he was just about to pull over and walk home, recognizing that he couldn’t safely drive. He refused to provide a breath or blood sample and was arrested for driving under the influence.

USUAL SUSPECTS:
A deputy patrolling Loon Point at around 2 a.m. on Feb. 20 noticed a suspicious vehicle stopped in the middle of the road. His suspicions soon were validated when he recognized the driver as a man that is regularly in trouble for drug-related charges. After first spotting the late-night clumsy driving, the deputy reversed into a driveway to further observe the vehicle. It proceeded toward where the deputy was parked and slowed again. The driver hung his head out and asked for directions, a bad move since the deputy knew the man from past encounters and had been alerted the man was potentially dealing drugs in Goleta the previous day.

The driver, 42, explained that he was lost and looking for a person on Beach Club Lane. He had a female passenger who the deputy also recognized as a frequent flyer in the back of a squad car. Also, the deputy knew right away who the driver was looking for, another known drug user who lived nearby.

Since the driver was on parole, the deputy searched the vehicle. The search turned up a light-colored crystal substance and a black gooey substance, both in plastic bags. The deputy suspected the substances were crystal meth and hashish. Also in the car were a scale and other empty baggies.

A perusal of the man’s cell phone uncovered suspicious text messages in the inbox: “I’ve got 100 to spend and a beach house to kick it at.” And “60 black and 40 white” and “I need some crap.”

Deputies arrested the driver on suspicion of sales or manufacturing of synthetic narcotics. The black substance was later identified as heroin not hashish. The woman passenger was released.

OTHER REPORTS:
Burglary: Via Real
Driving under the influence: Linden Avenue
Possession of synthetic narcotics: Carpinteria Avenue
Public intoxication: Linden Avenue, 7th Street
Theft: Carpinteria Avenue
Warrant arrest: Carpinteria Avenue

FIGHTING SMOKE WITH FIRE:
A man complained to sheriff’s deputies that his employees might be in danger on Feb. 11 after receiving the following voice message: “Hello, I’m a mercenary. I have lived alongside your property for a long time, and your workers have been giving me gang signs. I’m going to walk onto your property and eliminate all your workers. Simple for me to do, I’ll kill them all, if you don’t put your workers straight. Thank you.”

The ranch owner reporting the crime said several families live on the property that was the subject of the call. Based on the voice and specific threat, he had no hunches about who it might be. To the man’s knowledge, there were no gang sign-flashing incidents involving the ranch workers, but he was going to talk to them. Deputies advised that workers should dial 9-1-1 if any direct threats were issued. The call recipient also was able to trace the call, but reports did not indicate if a suspect had been identified based on the number. In the sheriff’s log, the incident was listed as a “terrorist threat.”

FIGHTING PHLEGM WITH THE LAW:
A man employed on Foothill Road filed a report with sheriff’s deputies alleging that a coworker assaulted him in late January. According to the report, the assault suspect, 63, used an unconventional weapon—a cough—to attack his coworker, 53.

In his account of things, the victim reportedly sat on a bench next to a coworker who sounded like he might be under the weather. The victim asked, “Are you sick?” And the assault suspect answered, “No. See?” before allegedly coughing a substantial cough into the victim’s face. Hours later, the victim became ill and vomited from contracting the illness, he surmised. There was a damp sensation of spittle landing on his face, the alleged victim told officers.

Reporting of the incident to law enforcement was delayed because it was at first being handled internally with the employer, but when the alleged victim was unsatisfied with the employer’s actions, he contacted law enforcement asking for criminal charges to be filed.

Deputies caught up with the accused coworker, and he sang a different tune. The dry cough was in jest, he said. Also, he was not sick at the time and never got sick. He corroborated the circumstances of the exchange, but insisted he meant no harm. He also commented about the victim being a disgruntled employee.

Since deputies could not establish that harm was intended, they made no arrests. The victim insisted on a report being filed with the district attorney’s office, so deputies forwarded the report.

OTHER REPORTS:
Burglary: Linhere Drive
Possession of meth: Carpinteria Avenue
Public intoxication: Lillie Avenue, Cameo Road, Maple Avenue
Theft: Via Real, Linden Avenue
Vandalism: 8th Street
Warrant arrest: Linden Avenue, Carpinteria Avenue

EASY OPERATION:
Deputies patrolling a Via Real convenience store after midnight on Feb. 6 focused their attention on a customer, who, according to deputies’ reports, appeared intoxicated. Upon entering the store, the customer went straight to the restroom, but when he reappeared with urine-soaked pants, reportedly from an inability to operate his zipper, deputies became suspicious that the man was too drunk to be in public. Noting that the man had a mussed appearance, red eyes and smelled of alcohol, a deputy trailed the man, 22, out of the store to prevent him from operating a machine with far more bells and whistles than his fly—his vehicle.

The man entered the driver’s side of the vehicle, and the deputy met him at the window to see what the would-be driver’s intentions were. The man said he was about to go pick up some friends. He reportedly admitted to consuming a six-pack of Miller at the Ventura County Fairgrounds before driving to the convenience store where he encountered the officers.

A search of the man’s vehicle revealed several empty beers. The keys were in the ignition, but the engine wasn’t running, noted deputies, so they arrested the man on charges of public intoxication for fear that he’d drive if left to his own devices. His vehicle was towed.

CREDIT REJECTED:
A 29-year-old woman reported that she was threatened by a 21-year-old man on Linden Avenue because she refused to loan the man $1,900. According to deputies reports, the woman said she managed a “tanda,” a small financial operation to which members pay a weekly fee and expect to be able to take loans from the fund if an emergency arises.

In this case, tanda members were expected to pay $200 a week to the fund in order to qualify to borrow money. However, when the man went to collect his requested $1,900, he was rejected for not being in good standing. According to the tanda manager, the man had paid late several times since he joined in October and could only collect a maximum of $900. The man was reportedly angered by the news, and told the tanda manager that she “would have to deal with the consequences.”

Deputies interviewed the man, who was reportedly contrite and admitted to making empty threats. Since the man did not seem to pose any real danger, no arrests were made.

SHOWING NO RESTRAINT:
A man and woman who reportedly were caught disrobing in a vehicle parked on Santa Claus Lane after 2 a.m. on Feb. 5 violated a restraining order that the woman had against the man. A deputy patrolling the lane shined a spotlight into the parked car, revealing a woman with her shirt unbuttoned and bra exposed. Investigating the incident as a possible unlawful roadside sexual encounter, the deputy discovered that the woman had an active protective court order barring the man from contacting her.

First the deputy ordered the man, 24, out of the vehicle because he was reportedly fidgeting with something under the seat. After running the man’s record, the deputy discovered that the woman, 21, had filed for the restraining order and it was active through early March. In his defense, the man said he was unaware that the order was still active. He had paperwork at home proving otherwise, he added.

In conversation with the woman, who in addition to the half-off shirt reportedly had unzipped pants, the deputy asked if she knew about the order. She thought it had expired, too, but the deputy informed her it was active. She then said it was OK because she initiated the contact, not the restrained party. Since the order was active and the man was reportedly in the process of contacting the woman, the deputy cited the man and brought the woman home.

LOST AND FOUND:
A woman reported her car stolen to sheriff’s deputies on Feb. 4 only to discover the car later in the day. Upon not finding her car after midnight on Feb. 4, the woman explained that the vehicle wasn’t where she’d parked it. Retracing her steps, the woman, 60, said she and her daughter parked the vehicle at the beach end of Linden Avenue at about 4 p.m. on Feb. 3 to take a walk.

After a stroll on the beach, the mother-daughter duo stopped at the vehicle to grab some things and head up Linden Avenue for a bite to eat. They did not return to the location until just after midnight and were baffled by the vehicle’s absence. A no-parking sign indicated that the vehicle had been in a spot barring overnight parking, so the woman called a towing company only to discover that the vehicle had not been towed. She then reported it stolen.

Deputies followed up with the alleged auto-theft victim the following afternoon but had made no progress in their investigation. The woman had conducted her own investigation. It turned out she had driven up Linden Avenue and parked before dinner. She found the car in the Vons parking lot.

OTHER REPORTS:
Burglary: Cindy Lane
Possession of meth pipe: Casitas Pass Road
Public intoxication: Carpinteria Avenue, Via Real
Theft: Venice Lane
Warrant arrest: El Carro Lane

RAISING THE GRAFFITI PROFILE:
A vigilant civilian allegedly disrupted vandals in the act when she called sheriff’s deputies to report at least four males perched atop the Carpinteria Middle School clocktower drawing graffiti at around 10 p.m. on Jan. 23.

Multiple deputies arrived to interrupt the reported crime in progress and found a group exiting the CMS grounds. When the suspects spotted the officers, they ran. One of the males lagged behind the rest, allowing a deputy to snag him by the pant leg, but the man struggled. The deputy clung to the pants, but the pants couldn’t hold the weight and ripped, momentarily freeing the man. Another deputy who arrived in a patrol car rounded up the 18-year-old suspect.

In a separate chase, a deputy caught a juvenile. The boy, who according to reports was intoxicated, slipped and fell before getting up to run again. A deputy closed within tasing distance and yelled to the boy to stop or he’d be zapped. The boy reportedly surrendered by lying on the ground before the deputy deployed his Taser.

Neither suspect admitted to any wrongdoing, but deputies immediately arrested them for delaying an officer’s investigation. The boy had a wound on his finger, and deputies asked if he had cut himself while fleeing. The boy said no, the cut was from the day before. He sliced himself on a broken glass bong, he said. Paramedics dressed the wound.

The boy allegedly admitted that some in his group were responsible for vandalizing the middle school clocktower, where a moniker had been left behind. Pressed to identify who was actually behind the vandalism, the boy reportedly said, “I’m not a rat.” The same moniker has been painted in prominent locations all around town in recent weeks. Since the men did not possess tools of the graffiti trade, deputies did not initially charge them with vandalism. Both were on probation.

PANGA UNLOADS NEAR SUMMERLAND:
Sheriff’s deputies at the Carpinteria substation assisted with a panga boat investigation at Fernald Point in Summerland at 8 a.m. on Feb. 1. The vessel, typically used in drug and people smuggling, was reported a half mile offshore, and officers with Santa Barbara Harbor Patrol, U.S. Coastguard and ICE assisted with the investigation. The boat had a hole in its hull and was empty. On shore, deputies discovered several life vests, three full 10-to-15 gallon gas cans and trash.

LEWD ACT REPORTED:
A 19-year-old woman reported that a man driving a white truck committed a lewd act and indecently exposed himself at about 1:30 p.m. on Jan. 21. The woman said she was walking west on Carpinteria Avenue, away from downtown, when a white truck pulled up next to her and the driver beckoned her. Thinking the driver might ask for directions, she approached the passenger-side window. Peering into the vehicle, she noticed that the man was gripping and stroking his penis. Not taking the bait, the woman immediately turned and walked away. The man then drove off. In reporting the crime to deputies, the woman noted that the man had packages strewn about the seat of the vehicle. Reports listed no suspects in the case.

OTHER REPORTS:
Attempted theft: Santa Monica Road
Bicycle theft: Elm Avenue
Burglary: Granada Way, Linden Avenue
Driving under the influence: Carpinteria Avenue
Possession of marijuana: Greenwell Avenue
Public intoxication: La Manida, Cacique Street
Theft: Mark Avenue, Linden Avenue, Santa Monica Road
Under the influence of controlled substance: Holly Avenue
Vandalism: 3rd Street, 4th Street, 7th Street, Linden Avenue
Warrant arrest: Via Real, Padaro Lane, Nipomo Avenue, Malibu Drive, El Carro Lane

THEFTS FROM VEHICLES ARE GOING OUT OF STYLE:
According to crime logs from the Santa Barbara County Sheriff’s Department Carpinteria Substation, there was a huge spike in thefts and burglaries from vehicles between Jan. 12 and 18. On the books that week were a reported 10 thefts from vehicles reported from all over the city, four of which happened on the east end of Carpinteria off of Via Real and Bailard Avenue overnight between Jan. 15 and 16. Most of the crimes occurred when thieves swiped valuables from unlocked vehicles. Details from a couple more intriguing thefts are as follows.

THIEF MAGNET:
A man reporting that his truck windows were broken and speakers, an iPod and drill were stolen from the vehicle, also made a BTW theft report while in the process of discussing the latest crime with deputies. He said that in addition to the window-shattering burglary on Jan. 17 from his Carpinteria Avenue residence, thieves made away with his catalytic converter over the holidays.

The victim had left home for the holidays between Dec. 17 and Jan. 6, and when he tried to start his truck upon returning, he detected a rumble in the exhaust system. The bolts that connected the catalytic converter to the Toyota truck were left in the carport, the victim said, but the part must have proved difficult to remove because the thieves resorted to sawing it off even after removing the bolts. Catalytic converter thieves target Toyota trucks because the precious-metal containing part is easier to remove than from other model vehicles.

After sorting that theft out—and not reporting it to authorities—the victim was hit again. During the Jan. 17 crime, two windows were smashed in the truck. Deputies noted that it appeared the truck was originally accessed by smashing the passenger’s side window, and the rear window was likely smashed to facilitate the removal of a large speaker.

MIGRATING WALLET:
While one resident of Concha Loma was reporting to sheriff’s deputies that he’d had a wallet and GPS stolen from his vehicle overnight between Jan. 11 and Jan. 12, his friend and neighbor called him to say he found the missing wallet in his vehicle, which had also been broken into. According to reports, the wallet was recovered, but the victim was still out the GPS. As for the vehicle in which the stolen wallet was deposited, a cell phone was reportedly stolen from that vehicle.

STOWAWAY WITH A METH PIPE:
A man who was pulled over on Jan. 14 at about 9 p.m. on Carpinteria Avenue was allegedly driving with only one working headlight, the wrong thing to do if you don’t have a license and allegedly are carting around drug paraphernalia.

Upon being pulled over, the man reportedly was without proof on insurance and registration for the vehicle, which he had recently purchased. He did have a California ID card, and when asked if he had license, the man claimed yes, but the deputy’s computer system told a different story. According to the system, the man’s license was suspended.

In his defense, the man said he’d corrected the reason he had no license by paying his child support. The explanation reportedly wasn’t enough for deputies, who decided to arrest the man and tow the vehicle.

Before towing the vehicle, deputies asked the man if it contained anything illegal they should know about, but the man claimed it was clean. However, deputies found what appeared to be a crystal meth pipe and two scales that were coated with a white powdery substance. The man told deputies that the meth pipe didn’t belong to him, but the scales were his.

Deputies tacked on a possession of drug paraphernalia charge while booking the man for operating without a license.

OTHER REPORTS:
Burglary: Linden Avenue, Via Real, Carpinteria Avenue
Driving under the influence: Olive Street
Public intoxication: Via Real, 8th Street
Vandalism: Linden Avenue (2), Holly Avenue, 8th Street
Theft: La Paloma Street, 8th Street, Palmetto Lane, Aragon Drive, Linden Avenue, Foothill Road, Via Real (3), Jacaranda Way